Coloring Outside the Box
by Larry St. James, Our Town Staff
When Stanley Tucci Elementary art teacher James Artley walks into his classroom, he looks at it not as another day at the office, but, as the 43 year-old tells it, "a chance to plant the seed of life in each and every student via my gruesome death." He plants these seeds by asking his students to draw him as a victim of, for example, a horrible accident, or even murder.
"The first few times I had them do it they drew little happy pictures of me and some angels holding hands. But I told them, 'No, dig deeper. Go to a dark place.'" And go to a dark place they did. Over the past several months, Artley's students have collectively drawn their teacher's death in over 300 different scenarios ("No repeats allowed, extra points for creative methods like disembowelment," says he). From beheading to airline crashes, drawing and quartering to kicked to death, Artley's students certainly have risen to the challenge. Their collective efforts line the hallway outside of Mr. Artley's classroom and he says they are the pride of Stanley Tucci High, and even the town as a whole.
The assignment began as a result of a near-death experience that Artley underwent in December of last year. "I was eating soup on my patio, when a pidgeon flew into the back of my head, knocking me unconscious. My head fell forward and I passed out right in my bowl of soup. I almost drowned." Almost, but not quite. Thanks to the efforts of a good samaritan mailman, Artley was rescued and lives to tell about it. He adds that the freak accident has in no way damaged his relationship with soup. And while he never found the offending pidgeon, he did find a newfound fear of death.
Following the incident, Artley went on a leave of absence from Stanley Tucci High in order to "clear my head, air some things out." During this two month hiatus, Artley was plagued by visions of his own death, some soup related, others salad or even roast related. "It was just horrible...like death was teasing me," he says, and so he decided to face his fear head on. For the next several weeks he tempted Death in every way he could, from playing "chicken" on the rail road tracks to driving a rental car ("I'd never buy one...green's my drug") while blindfolded and drinking soup through a straw. When these stunts finally landed him in the hospital, Artley decided to return to work. When he did, what he calls his masterpiece was born.
While his colleagues initially scoffed at his admittedly unorthodox teaching methods, it was Artley's students who eventually won the faculty over through their intense dedication to their work. Says fifth grader Simon Rivera, "I really like Mr. Artley's class. Sometimes I get sad while drawing the pictures, but then he lets us have candy so it's okay." Said another prodigy, young Kaitlyn Marsh, "Mr. Artley is very nice and he cries sometimes."
So how long will Mr. Artley's project continue? "As long as there are children out there taking life for granted, I will be there to remind them that they could die at any minute due to rape, flood, falling into a meat grinder, animal attack, torpedo assault, train wreck, poison, assassination, factory mishap, surgical misadventure, gassing, suffocation, fires, falling down stairs, chemical burns, or any number of freak accidents."
And of all the hundreds of drawings, does Mr. Artley have a favorite? Standing amidst his enormous collection of macabre drawings the man thinks for a moment before a small smile creeps onto his face. "Oh, that's tough. but if I had to choose, it would be the one of me as a fetus being aborted. For starters that's just really creative, but also, it's like, 'Wow, you guys are in fifth grade, I didn't even know you knew what abortion was!'" He paused and added, "Kids grow up so fast these days."
Just don't grow up too fast, young ones, for Death is only too happy to snatch you away into his cold, lifeless grip, ushering you into a life of eternal damnation like some grotesque carnival barker! Away, Grim Specter!
