Our Town

Posted by Greg White at 8:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Greg White at 8:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

Week of September 10th, 2006!


Our very own Miss Sally is here to answer all of your most pressing domestic questions!


***

Hi, Sally! For years, my daughter has asked for a number of types of body jewelry – everything from an extra earring to what she refers to as a “clit popper.” How can I convince her that this is a bad idea, and what precisely is a “clit popper”?

-Pierced on Pumpkin Dr.

Sally Says: Does your daughter know that body piercing is the leading cause of Auto Immune Deficiency Syndrome in the United States? Of course, that’s not actually true, but kids these days don’t know the difference between chlamydia and a Chrysler. Just give her the “facts” and she’ll pass up her clit popper for some tasty jalapeno poppers at the Our Town Diner!

***

Salutations, Sally! I remember about 15 years ago when you posted your recipe for bacon tarts. However, my newspaper clipping collection perished in a house fire that had nothing to do with insurance fraud. Could you please reprint it? Thanks!

-Hungry on Hunt St.

Sally Says: Of course, Hungry! This one’s a real classic.

SALLY’S BACON TARTS

Serves one (1) hungry book club!

For tart shell

1 large egg, separated
1 tablespoon milk
1 1/4 cups plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
4 teaspoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 stick (1/2 cup) cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes

For filling

4 large eggs
1 1/2 cups sugar
12 strips of bacon, diced
1/4 cup heavy cream

For tart shell: Beat egg, flour, sugar and salt together, slowly adding butter. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Chill dough 1 hour before rolling dough into thin sheets. Fit dough into pan and bake for 20 minutes or until lightly brown.

For filling: Crack eggs into warm skillet, scramble and mix in diced bacon. Slowly add heavy cream, and sprinkle sugar over the finished mixture. Pour into shell and bake for additional 10 minutes.

Drizzle with chocolate syrup and serve on chilled saucers. Bon appetite!

***

Ahoy Sally!
Can you please tell me where I can buy colostomy bags in a discreet fashion?
-Bashful Bottom

Sally Says: Sup Sugar Tits?

Colostomy bags? Sure thing. Check it.
***

Simple as that. 'Nother day, 'nother dollar. Until next time, Sally out!

Posted by Greg White at 8:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Greg White at 6:58 AM | Permalink | Comments

Illustration by Kalifa Tauber. Great job. No seriously. Soooo great. That wasn't sarcastic.

Posted by Greg White at 6:47 AM | Permalink | Comments

Stanley Tucci High School Fall Sports Preview
By Chuck Hassel, Our Town Staff


Alright Sports Fans, who’s ready for some action? I’m talking preteen boy on preteen boy, people! I’m talking bone-crunching, mind-blowing, adolescent orgies of athletic prowess! It’s time for the 06-07 season at Chesterfield Ridge’s very own Stanley Tucci High School.

This season, the Fighting Tuccimen have some fierce competition from longtime rivals Hazelnut Valley, and from up-and-comers Oakwood Lakes, but I have to say, I’ve been covering sports in Chesterfield Ridge for a long time, and this coming season has the potential to be one of the most arousing ever! Let’s take a look!


Football

ST High’s flagship team in a very impressive fleet of spandex-clad ships (all hands on deck!), this year’s team sees the return of bright-eyed—a crisp blue/gray—QB Jason Mars. Last season Mars became ST High’s youngest Varsity captain after a heroic defeat of hated urban rivals St. Ignacious. His last-minute, game-winning, God-defying fifty yard pass secured his place among that other god of war, the mighty Mars himself! Beam ME up, Scotti! With that rocket arm, youth, and hair the color of healthy straw, Mars and the Fighting Tuccimen have only one place to go: up. Right after they hit the showers that is!




Baseball

Last season ended in disappointment during the first round of the county playoffs thanks to then-freshman (and Asian) Tommy Lee’s pitiful pop-up in the second inning. That little Chinamen (or whatever) set the stage for a heartbreaking loss. If only the baseball team could recruit that young Mars fellow! I mean, imagine Mars, with his sculpted lower quarters and chiseled chin, in a baseball uniform! It’s a shame he has to wear that helmet, you know?

Girls’ Soccer

Last year the girls’ soccer team won the state championships or something. Uh, great.

Boys’ Soccer

Not since Bo Derek have we seen a bi-talented athlete such as Jason Mars! Knock, knock! Who’s there? It’s me, the talented Jason Mars. Just a minute, I’m in a bathrobe! I don’t care, I see guys naked every day in the locker room, now open up so I can give you an exclusive interview! If only, am I right people?! If anyone decides to play dirty against our beloved Fighting Tucci Boys’ team, I will come after him/her/it with a pipe wrench.

Softball

Like her more athletic, more attractive brother baseball, sister softball continues to disappoint us. For example, why the bigger ball? What is this, a beach party? And what’s with bases? I dunno, but it seems to me like if you want more explosive bang for your buck, you’ll find no better bargain than a good old game of Toss the Pigskin. I hear Jason Mars is fluent if you know what I mean! At least these gals don’t have that beady-eyed Tommy Lee to let them down. It’s like my father told me repeatedly throughout my adolescence, “Quit acting like a mincing fairy-boy!”

Lacrosse

Due to a lack of interest last year, this year’s team is going to be the first ever bi-sexual team at Stanley Tucci. Both boys and girls will be hitting the field for some fierce competition. A Battle of the Sexes for the ages, let’s pray for some good, solid competition as the team enters a new co-ed league.

Women’s Volleyball

Second only to the boys’ football team, this year’s Volleyball program has the most riding on its shoulders after winning State’s three years in a row. Their star is the 6’1” Ashley Iovine and—hey, isn’t she that Jason Mars’ GF? Boy, it sure would be a shame if something happened to her before the home opener!

Chess

Okay.

Field Hockey

The team looks solid, but it’s a shame that the team doesn’t allow male members on the team. I mean, can you imagine Jason Mars in a skirt? LOL!

***

So there you have it fellow sports fanatics, the 2006-2007 Fighting Tuccimen of Stanley Tucci High! Win or lose, rain or shine, these youngsters will be out there making us proud! Go get ‘em, boys!


Photo Credit: Kalifa Tauber. Meh.

Posted by Greg White at 6:18 AM | Permalink | Comments