Thursday, October 05, 2006

Chesterfield Ridge Long Weekend Activities Guide (10/06-10/09)

Beautification Society's Fall Foliage Festival
The foliage is only one of many delicious alliterations on hand! Have a sip of Cindy's Cider, try your hand at Harry's Halloween Pumpkin Pull and have one of Gourmet Gary's grilled gurgers (burgers)! BYOBlankets and Lawn Chairs. $4.

Stanley Tucci High School Ciderathon Fundraiser
Buy some of Mrs. Stapleton's famous cider for a good cause--renovating our high school's decrepit (some say dangerous) gymnasium! Bring a lawn chair or blanket and take in the spectacular view of our changing leaves! Mr. Tieman will be grilling and buy a pumpkin from Crazy Ol' Doc, our beloved janitor. $5. Chairs and blankets provided.

The Christopher Columbus Club's Annual Fall Grill
We'll be grilling up some mean burgers and hot dogs, with a nice cool glass of our special Christopher Columbus Apple Cider on the side. Bring your kids and pull a pumpkin! Underneath the reddest leaves in the county! (color of leaves subject to change without notice) $5.

Chesterfield Ridge Twilight League Baseball Finals
Will the vaunted pitching of the Pulled Pumpkins be able to overcome the feared lineup of the Reddening Leaves? Come find out as these two teams face off for this year's Cider Cup! Tickets $3.50, hamburgers $2.50 each, bleachers provided.

Posted by Greg White at 6:12 PM | | Comments



New Opinion Poll Shows Residents Largely Unaware of Upcoming Election
by Eric Mills, Our Town staff

Just hours before what should be an exciting debate, politicos all around Chesterfield Ridge are abuzz with the prospect of an exciting Mayoral race coming right down to the wire and possibly bringing a new leader to City Hall. But a new poll suggests that this enthusiasm has not reverberated throughout the entire town.

“Oh, are there elections again this year?” responded local baker Jeremy Brown when asked who he was planning on supporting. “Do they do that every year, or what?”

The large field of candidates, though unprecedented in Chesterfield Ridge’s political history, has not left much of an impression on registered voters. Of the 1000 people polled who were asked the question "Will you vote," 36% responded “No,” 15% responded “No way,” and another 42% answered “For what?” Only three people described themselves as “Likely to vote.” Among this demographic, Mayor Allenbach leads with 66.7% of the vote, but this contingent seemed unaware that there were other candidates until they were told by the pollsters and the other 33.3% was Allenbach’s rival James Walker.

But even when told of Allenbach’s challengers, it was difficult to muster up much excitement in this dreary bunch.

“I don’t care,” insisted George Tremont when repeatedly confronted outside a local delicatessen. “Seriously, I don’t care who’s running against him and I don’t care who wins.”

“I haven’t really thought about it,” said local psychiatrist Dr. Harrison Wheeler, looking out his window. “Did somebody slash my tires?”

Despite the feeling of apathy that is settling over much of Chesterfield Ridge, there is still a sizeable minority looking forward to what this could mean to local politics. “Yes, I’m very excited about casting my vote for James Walker on election day,” said a man who chose not to be identified but who looked an awful lot like aforementioned Mayoral candidate James Walker. “Like I told the woman on the phone, James Walker is the only man on the ballot who knows what this town needs after years of stagnant leadership by Mayor Allenbach,” the man said, polishing his prized putter. “That and I hear he’s a demon in the sack.”

Posted by Greg White at 4:00 PM | | Comments


Town Approves Plan for District to Become Historic in 2072
'It's only a matter of time!' says Preservation Society
by Larry St. James, Staff Writer

The Chesterfield Ridge Preservation Society announced last week that in 2072, the two block stretch on Quincy Avenue between Poplar and Grove Streets will become the town’s first official historic district.

The future remnant of the past includes Just Paws Pet Grooming, Chesterfield Ridge Confections, the law offices of divorce attorney Benjamin Gold III, three baby spruce trees, a bench dedicated to the memory of Phil and Glenda Hodges, a sewer grate, and a “Four Hour Parking: 7AM to 6PM” sign. The 53-foot stretch of sidewalk, repaved six years ago, has the markings “T.G. and P.S. 4/21/99” engraved on the southwest corner of Quincy and Grove.

In an official statement on Monday, Head of the Preservation Society Ken Margaret stated the importance of securing a specified zone of historical significance this far in advance. “It’s imperative that our grandchildren and their children be able to look into to the past and realize, ‘Hey, those Chesterfield Ridge residents of long ago really cared enough about the future generations to consciously secure a piece of the present in hopes of providing the future with an assured past,’” said Margaret.

Preservation experts estimated the area would ripen historically somewhere between 2065 and 2075, a conjecture, “contingent upon on an aggressive real estate market, average levels of acid rain and a low-to-medium level risk of global apocalypse." Most see this plan as one that will enrich the lives of future residents. Said Dr. Walt Reeves, “You can be sure that people will look at that ‘Four Hour Parking Sign’ and get a good laugh at our primitive heliocentric time-telling system, that’s for sure.”

To expedite the process, the Preservation Society has proactively pursued measures to enhance the new district’s rustic charm, decorating the area with “relics of the past” by hanging permanent flyers such as “Town Hall Open House: May 29, 2019” on trees and strewing wrappers for Sweet-Dips and Lik-a-Stik, candies predicted to be far extinct in the year 2072, on the sidewalks. They have also begun to power-wash the stucco edifices of the buildings to erode any "contemporariness." Perhaps puzzled by the outdated flyer nailed to a nearby tree during a stroll down Grove Street, resident Hank McAtee was pinned to the façade of Just Paws Pet Grooming by such a furious blast, some skin and tissue peeling off in the process and becoming embedded in the crevasses of the entrance’s molding. “I’m part of history!” McAtee gleefully shouted, looking for his watch.

However, some have voiced outrage over the lengths to which the town will meticulously preserve this block. Two days ago, when ten-year old Jimmy Klein chased a stray racquetball into the now historic sewer grate and tragically fell in, the Society meddled with the fire department and prevented them from fishing him out. Others expressed the very futility of protecting these buildings at all, skeptical of their worth years from now. Said Jasper Holmes, “In 2072, when one parts ways with one’s spouse, the distribution of property will obviously be decided in a more civil manner, such as telekinetic duels to the death, or a Battle Royale in the plasma bogs of Watson Creek!”

The idea to establish an official historical district was first introduced in 1998 as a compromise for filling in then-scenic Hodges Pond with concrete amidst the still-ongoing housing development boom. In an ultimatum between the town council and the Preservation Society, the Board of Civil Betterment was to install new burgundy street signs with in an antique Chaucer font denoting specific areas of Chesterfield Ridge as historic. When both the Preservation Society and the Board learned that no such district existed, they agreed to investigate the areas of the town deemed historically significant. To avoid embarrassment after nothing of substance turned up, they arbitrarily chose the Quincy Avenue location this past June.

Currently, little remains of the original Chesterfield Ridge incorporated in 1958. After its founding by fur coat magnate Cole Chesterfield, the hamlet sprouted a humble downtown area, including a post office, a local grocer, and the Chesterfield family trapping equipment store. The original post office was completely renovated in 1979 and merged with the now defunct animal shelter, A&P bought out and sold the grocer property five years later to an upscale haberdasher, and the trapping equipment shop reluctantly closed its doors in 2004. The Preservation Society reports that the reigning oldest structure in Chesterfield Ridge is the Nickerson residence’s pool house, which itself was converted from a slaves' quarters in 1962, and next year, will in turn be progressively transformed into a maid’s residence.

Posted by Greg White at 12:15 PM | | Comments

Photo of the Day for October 5th, 2006!


Here, a Dixon Ticonderoga No. 2 Pencil, made from real incense cedar!

"An American classic!"

Posted by Greg White at 7:06 AM | | Comments

Weather or Not with Phil Stubbs, Contemporary Eyesore!

Weather Forecast for October 5, 2006: FRESH!


Posted by Greg White at 7:04 AM | | Comments


Exclusive Interview!

Richard and Jane Brown: "We Just Want Our Daughter Back!"
Our Town landed an exclusive interview with Mr. and Mrs. Richard Brown, parents of local hero Sammy Brown, just hours after their daughter was announced dead.

Interview by Katherine Mills, Our Town Staff


Our Town: How are you both holding up?
Richard Brown: We're obviously both very upset. Is my ad going to run in today's edition or tomorrow's?

Jane Brown: Richard...

OT: I'm not sure. When did you submit it?

RB: Like two hours ago.

OT: Well, you know what, let's check. I'll just call the office...it's ringing. Hi, Steve? Yeah, I'm with the Browns. His dealership ad. When's it running? Yeah, he's right here. Uh-huh. Okay. Got it. Thanks. Yeah, 7:30 is fine. Yep. Okay, see ya.

RB: What'd they say?

OT: It'll be on the website today, print edition tomorrow.

RB: Great.

OT: So tell me, what was running through your head this morning when you received the call?

JB: Shock. Just shock.

OT: And?

JB: And I couldn't believe it. My little girl...gone. I turned to Richard and said, "Honey, it's Samantha..." And then I just broke down.

OT: Did you cry?

JB: Of course...it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

RB: Our chest. Today, it's our chest.

OT: I have a son, Eric. He writes for the paper. He's a great kid.

JB: I see...

OT: I don't know what I would do if he was killed in such a horrific manner. He writes really well.

JB: Oh...

OT: So are you upset?

JB: Yes. Very.

OT: Uh-huh. Tell me what you'll be thinking at the funeral.

JB: I don't--how can I possibly answer that? I'll be devastated I'm sure.

OT: Will you cry there?

JB: What kind of question is that?

OT: Will you allow photographers at the funeral?

RB: We really haven't thought that far ahead...although if you want to have someone down at the dealership for our Grief Sale that'd be fine... Might open some doors for you.

OT: The big question seems to be, What was Sammy doing out at such an hour?

JB: I just don't know. I know that she was interested in trying out for cross-country this year and had been running a lot. It's very possibly that she was running.

OT: Do you think it was anything sensational? Like drugs, or some sort of explicit sex thing?

JB: I know my daughter very well--

OT: Knew.

JB: Knew... Right... Knew... My daughter very well and that just wasn't her. Besides, where would kids get drugs in this town?

OT: You don't think I could get drugs now if I wanted to?

RB: I don't think my wife's saying that you couldn't...

OT: Because I could. I'd just make a few calls. The guy who does the home delivery stuff knows a guy.

RB: Okay.

OT: I don't know what he could get, but I mean, it's gotta be like weed or something. Maybe coke. Probably not heroin though. That's pretty extreme.

JB: Well if that's all, I think my husband and I would like some time alone.

OT: Do you think you'll cry during this alone time? Will you be upset?

JB: Why do you keep asking that? We're upset, yes.

OT: Then why aren't you crying now?

JB: Honestly, we're just a little tired and stunned. I'm grieving, okay?

OT: It'd make a really great photo, that's all. The two of you crying, like, 'Ah! Our little girl is dead!' You know?

JB: I--

OT: I mean, we have our photographer here and everything. So far it's just been the two of you sitting there looking serious and dignified. For all the viewer knows, you two could just be two people who are trying to solve a hard math problem.

RB: Okay that's really inappropriate.

OT: Crying is inappropriate? What are you people hiding?

JB: Just please leave.

OT: So you're not going to cry, is that right? I can write that down? 'Parents refuse to cry?' That would look pretty horrible in a big font. You know what I'm saying?

JB: Are you threatening us?

OT: Just saying, people don't like to buy cars from a callous prick. One who can't even cry when his daughter dies.

RB: If we cry, I want that ad blown up to a full page, free of cost.

JB: Richard...

RB: No, honey, this is good. It's called haggling. It's not my fault I went to business school.

OT: I think we could work something out. I mean, after all, you're grieving for chrissakes! Let's do this.

JB: Honey--

RB: Look, if we do this, she'll leave. Plus, she's right, it could be huge for the Grief Sale. Think about the dealership.

JB: Fine. Do we have to actually cry or can we, you know, pose?

OT: Whatever works. Mike, did you get that? Okay, just one more. Okay, great. Christ, it's like pulling teeth... Richard, Jane, thank you so much for taking time to speak with us today. You're in all of our thoughts.

JB/RB: Okay.



***



Posted by Greg White at 6:24 AM | | Comments

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In memory of Samantha Brown

Posted by Greg White at 6:11 AM | | Comments

I Scream, You Scream, Girl Slain by Ice Cream
Town Rallies Behind Slain Girl; "A tragedy" say Mayoral Candidates

by Kalifa Tauber, Our Town Staff*

In what many are calling Chesterfield Ridge's darkest day, local 18-year old Samantha "Sammy" Brown was hit and killed by an ice cream truck in a gruesome hit-and-run early this morning. Officials have no leads but Police Chief Timothy Moorhouse says that this is case is "priority number one, right behind the new fridge we're getting in the HQ. We're getting a Sub-Zero the size of a friggin' bus."

The event swirls with unanswered questions, like a soft serve cone of mystery: Why was Samantha on the streets at 5AM? What was an ice cream truck doing out so late in the year? These are a few of the questions that Moorhouse's men will have to answer if they have any hope of cracking this case.

Standing on the well-manicured lawn of their stately home, Samantha's parents Richard and Jane were visibly upset but composed as they fielded questions by reporters. "We're obviously still in shock, and I know it's going to take a long time for the pain to heal, if it ever does." Added her husband, "And while I have you all here, could you, you know, somewhere in the article, just plug my dealership? I'm planning on having some kind of grief sale. It's gonna be huge. The 'S' is for 'savings'...and 'Samantha.'" At this point both husband and wife broke down in tears and returned indoors.

Mayor Thomas Allenbach has called for a state of martial law, the second in as many months, but the ill-formed plan was quickly done away with by his advisors. Allenbach then called for a "total and complete ban" on ice cream, trucks and any combination thereof, but this decision was also stymied by election conscious staff members. Said Allenbach press secretary, "The Mayor was just kidding about all that stuff. He's got this dry sense of humor, you know? Hey, remember the time Mayor Allenbach threw that Fourth of July barbeque in the park? Remember that dunk tank? That was his idea."

The other nine mayoral candidates were quick to add their support to the already over-flowing support card. Speaking all at once in a barrage of sympathy, they managed to express their deepest regret. Said James Walker, "It is such a huge loss." Added Stanley Tucci, "Definitely. And more. So profound." Candidate Gary Smith offered, "When a young person loses their life in such a tragedy, people are often sad." This will surely be a big talking point at tonight's public debate, an event many said should have been rescheduled in light of today's devastating loss. But Mayor Allenbach held firm in his belief that life should go on as planned.

"I know it might seem callous to hold a debate tonight while so many of our own are hurting, but trust me, the best way to heal is by talking it over and then getting up tomorrow and going on that two-week trip that we couldn't reschedule. Metaphorically speaking."

Neighbors say that Samantha, known affectionately as Sammy by her friends, was an intelligent girl with a bright future. She stayed out of trouble and played field hockey. She served as student council president two years in a row and her even had several ethnic friends. In short, she was just a kid, living her life as best she knew how.

"Sammy was an amazing person," said self-described best friend Emma McDonald, "we would always talk on the phone. She loved soup so much."

As the town rallies behind Sammy, they also demand swift and fair judgement from their elected leaders, and this all starts with Chief Moorhouse. "Well, first we gotta find that ice cream truck, which shouldn't be too hard since there aren't too many around this time of year, and then we have to make sure that someone is in the station between 11 and 2 because the delivery guys from Best Buy are coming over with our new plasma screen. Our budget this year is like, whoa, we can't spend this stuff fast enough!"


*Our Town is an equal opportunity employer

Posted by Greg White at 5:42 AM | | Comments

Local News

Town Hall E-Scandal Shocks
by Eric Mills, Our Town Staff

After serving the community for over five years, Town Hall secretary Marsha Hamlin has stepped down due to allegations that she was sending "vaguely inappropriate" e-mails to herself. While Town Hall spokesman Ronald Chiarello has remained quiet on specifics, he did confirm that Ms. Hamlin would be leaving her post and that he is deeply sorry for the way things turned out.

From available information, including explicit e-mail records, it seems that Ms. Hamlin had for the past few months been sending sexually explicit emails to herself using Town Hall computers. It wasn't until an anonymous co-worker complained to supervisors that anyone caught wind of the situation. In one e-mail message dated September 21st, Ms. Hamlin writes, "Hey there sugar---s, what are you wearing? Do you want to come over to my place later and get freaky?"

Co-workers and friends describe Ms. Hamlin as a lonely individual who was misunderstood. Says neighbor Marie Henderson, "She was quiet--never really came by the house too much, but she seemed nice enough." Others have expressed outrage over Ms. Hamlin's actions, including current Mayor Thomas Allenbach: "What has happened here this week is a disgrace to our town. This is exactly why you need me to stay. People like whoever it is you are talking about are a threat and a menace to the fabric of decency our forefathers paid others to build."

In an official statement released earlier today, Ms. Hamlin wrote that she was "sorry" that she allowed the situation to get out of control as it did, adding that she was "highly aroused" by the risk of getting caught, although "getting in trouble is a buzz kill."

At press time there were no plans to replace Ms. Hamlin, although Mr. Chiarello said that they are looking for someone with two years of clerical experience and a strong sense of decorum. More than anything, one Town Hall official who asked to remain nameless says that he is mostly just embarrassed by Hamlin's public display of sexuality, however noting that he wished his wife would "get a little freaky now and again." But he was quick to condemn, "But, uh, you know, it was wrong of her and all, I guess. Do you think they deleted those e-mails?"

Posted by Greg White at 5:06 AM | | Comments

Photo of the Day for October 4, 2006!


A surly teacher gives her students a pop quiz in math.

"I do not like math!"

Posted by Greg White at 5:02 AM | | Comments

Weather or Not with Phil Stubbs, Televised Forensic Scientist!

Weather Forecast for October 4, 2006: ASIA MINOR!

Posted by Greg White at 4:58 AM | | Comments

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