Our Town

With the big election in just over a month, we in Chesterfield Ridge stand at a unique crossroads. For the first time in recent memory, our mayoral race is contested; and not just by one candidate, but by nine or ten or something. Faced with an unprecedented number of choices, we Chesterfield Ridgians must take some unprecedented steps: namely, becoming involved in local politics. After examining all of our town’s mayoral candidates with questionable integrity and passing interest, the Our Town Press staff has decided to endorse the Unnamed Mystery Candidate in his bid for Chesterfield Ridge mayor 2007!

It is clear that our own Mayor Allenbach is not a viable option. Chesterfield Ridge is in a rut (did you see that new stop sign? atrocious!) and we have Mayor Allenbach’s unfocused leadership to blame. We need change, and this change can only come from a new mayor with a new surname that is not Allenbach!

Next on the ballot is public defender Gary Smith. He has promised, in these very pages, the status quo, which will only turn our comfortable rut into a fortified trench. His major selling point is that he knows lots of terrible things about all of us, but we have nothing to fear. Observe: my wife left me for an Italian second mate on a cruise ship and I once experimented with homosexuality for one or two semesters in college; these are my secrets. I have nothing to fear. I suggest you all do the same before it's too late.

The next candidate is actor Stanley Tucci. Though his generous donations are responsible for Stanley Tucci High School, Stanley Tucci Skate Park and Stanley Tucci Solid Waste Depository, he is an outsider. We need someone who knows this town forwards and backwards to move us through this unique time in our town’s history.

I could go on and on, listing each candidate and their innumerable flaws, for example, former Techno-Watch and current sports columnist Horace Kvescheznow is not in the habit of showering daily, and once I saw him peeing in a ditch outside our offices.

Sherry Lipton is a woman. Menstruation, yikes! Am I right gentlemen? Jack Habishaw is completely out of his mind, I think. Then there’s an Asian guy, someone who calls himself “Number 6” and three or four others, but they don’t matter. They all stink.

The mystery candidate, if he remains unnamed, can be a vessel for all of the characteristics and visions of our own individual ideal mayors. Republican? That’s fine; pretend he’s George W. Bush’s sexy nephew. Democrat? He’s Ted Kennedy, speeding and dangerously swerving into town to save us from the conservatives. The mystery candidate is everything to everyone, and nothing to no one. He can be anything we want him to be, from an athlete to an astronaut, and most importantly, he’s not one of the other candidates, all of whom I have systematically proven to be terrible. That’s why we are proud to not be endorsing any of them and are instead endorsing the mystery candidate for mayor.

-The Editor