Monday, October 02, 2006

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Horace Kvscheznowski for Mayor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hello everyone. I am running as to stop criminals from escaping punishment. I also would like to find myself employed in a position that would not put me in the situations where I am having to wrestle with the captain of the wrestling squad so I can write it down for the Editor of the newspaper.


A vote for Horace is a vote against Compute-Tors and sporting child jailors.

Posted by Greg White at 8:58 PM | | Comments

Baked Goods Update

The Stanley Tucci High School Bakesale Fundraiser was a rousing success this past Sunday, raising a record-shattering $58.42 (almost matching Mrs. Feldman's expenses to the cent). The Bakesale also experienced a record-low of only 3 reported cases of food poisoning, with no fatalities.

Novice bakers and housewives, take a bow.

Posted by Greg White at 8:50 PM | | Comments


Fall Intern of the Assistant to the Deputy Vice-Councilman of the Board of Parks and Recreation: “Yep. I’m Gay”
by Larry St. James, Our Town Staff

In a bombshell that rocked Borough Hall yesterday, Jared Young, the fall intern in the office of Assistant to the Deputy Vice-Councilman of the Board of Parks and Recreation Glenn Portsmouth, announced that he was a homosexual.

Young nonchalantly came out to Portsmouth and Assistant to the Municipal Liaison to the Federal Office of Homeland Security Don Horatio during a casual in-office lunch. After longtime friends Portsmouth and Horatio spent some time reminiscing about their college days, Horatio turned to Young and playfully suggested that Young, “must be very popular with the [ladies]” at his university. Joyfully finishing the last bites of his salami sandwich as he awaited an answer, Portsmouth’s jaw nearly dropped at Young’s response.

“No, not really. I’m actually gay.”

Despite Young’s insistence that he first came out four years ago, and that his parents and close friends were all accepting of the fact he was gay, within Borough Hall, Portsmouth and Horatio thought it best to keep the information between the three of them. It didn’t take long, however, for Horatio to accidentally slip the inform to his girlfriend Heather DeAngelo, who told her mother Cynthia the following evening, who told, apparently, a lot of people.

By the following morning, government officials and residents alike were crawling with suspicion of the accuracy of the information. Approached sporadically throughout the day, Young politely entertained one curious inquiry after another with the same three-word confirmation.

“Yep. I’m gay.”

At a press-conference held later the day, Mayor Allenbach expressed his full-fledged support for Young in this volatile period of potential discrimination. “One of the great things about public service is that people of every race, age, creed, and sex can come together in the house of state under the common goal of social improvement. My own house is another story. If my sole biological heir Jeremy ever chose to halt the Allenbach bloodline, so help me God, there wouldn’t be a flight of stairs high enough that I could throw him down…”

Others, including Councilwoman Beth Viscero, echoed Allenbach’s sentiments. “If the State of New Jersey is progressive enough to have a gay governor, by God, Chesterfield Ridge is progressive enough to have a gay intern in the office of the Assistant to the Deputy Vice-Councilman of the Board of Parks and Recreation.”

Residents of Chesterfield Ridge have responded quietly to the news thus far. While the information shocked many, like 78-year old Lynn Winters, who expressed confusion as to when homosexuals started working anywhere outside of Hollywood, many others saw the confession as a predictable sigh of relief. Said 15-year old Meghan Updike, “Of all the people in Borough Hall working for the Board of Council, other than the councilmen and councilwomen themselves, he’s definitely the gayest.”

Whatever his political future in Chesterfield Ridge may be, Young remains determined not to let his sexual orientation stop him from rising as far as his ambition will carry him. Said Young, “It was too late to apply for any other internship and my mom is good friends with the one of the clerks there.”

Posted by Greg White at 6:00 PM | | Comments

Scared Straight

Touch-down, Prison!
by Chuck Hassel

Greetings, Sports Nuts! Your old pal Chuck Hassel here. Now I know a lot of you are curious about the details surrounding my arrest and subsequent incarceration, and I want you to know that I appreciate your concern. Unfortunately, there isn't much to tell. It was all a misunderstanding, you see, involving another gentleman who was coincidentally named Chuck Hassel. What's more, is that he was using my credit card and social security number and ordering things that he didn't know were illegal, and having them shipped to my house. He went a little too far apparently and did some things he probably regrets, before flying the coop! So now I'm stuck with his bum rap and all I can do is just wait out his sentence.

In the meantime, whadya say we turn our focus to good old fashioned athleticism, hm?

My first day here, I'll admit, was a little bit on the "new" side: new faces, new places, new toilets. It was a lot like being a school boy again! I spent part of the day in our gymnasium, watching this fellow and that black man lift weights or "pump iron." Their muscles rippled with delight!

After being shown to my cell I got to work unpacking my things, which were few: just a toothbrush and some plastic toilet items like a cup and a toothbrush (I wonder if we get new ones every few months). My cellmates name is Jonothon. I know, strange spelling isn't it? When I asked him about that (he was very adament upon our initial meeting about the spelling of his name), he went kind of crazy and tried to smash my head into the metal bars on the cell. A misunderstanding, that's all. Apparently Jonothon is supposed to be by himself due to his violent tendancies. I guess whoever is in charge of this sort of thing made a clerical error.

After they moved me to a new cell (no roomie this time!) and bandaged my head up, it was time for recess. We all went out into the field, or quad if you will, and various games picked up: here a pair of burly men threw a baseball around, there a touch football game broke out, everywhere a sports game!

At first I milled about, shyly kicking dirt around and pretending not to notice the star athletes on the field. After about a half hour of this, a ball from one of the games landed by my feet. A colorful individual with body art came running up and I tossed him the ball. He said, "Hey, you want to join us?" I said, Sure, although I'm better at writing about sports than I am playing them. He said, "No kidding! Are you a sports writer?" Not wanting to reveal too much about my little skirmish with the law, I told him I was but that I didn't do so much writing anymore. We bid farewell to each other and, tuckered out, I returned to my cell early for a nap.

Only my first day and I had made a friend! Oh, and the food's not half bad either! LOL!


Next week, Chuck encounters some curious inmates.

Posted by Greg White at 7:33 AM | | Comments

Photo of the day for October 2, 2006!

Here, two geese at Harrington Park.

"Geese! Geese! Geese!"

Posted by Greg White at 7:22 AM | | Comments

Weather or Not with Phil Stubbs, Subtle Brushstroke!

Weather Forecast for October 2, 2006: VAGUELY ETHNIC!

Posted by Greg White at 7:18 AM | | Comments

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