Our Town

Exclusive Celebrity Follow-Up Interview!

Still-Grieving Browns: The Hurt Won't Go Away!
Adds Richard Brown: Neither Will Our Low, Low Prices!

Katherine Mills' ground-breaking interview last week with newly-minted celebs Richard and Jane Brown was really terrific. Just dynamite. We sent her back into the Brown's darkened home for round two. Wassup, Browns? -The Editor


Our Town: Richard, Jane, thank you so much for letting me back into your home.
Richard Brown: You're welcome Katherine.
OT: Thanks.
RB: You're welcome.
OT: Okay.
Jane Brown: The reason we agreed to invite you back is to announce a charity we are starting in town that will act as a resource--
OT: So, what's your favorite winter get-away?
JB: --will act as a resource for grieving families--
RB: Well we just love Marinique. We bought a time share at a Condotel.
OT: A condotel?
RB: It's a condo unit that is owned by someone else, but you rent it out during certain weeks of the year. Same company that designed Mayor Allenbach's unit in town. Vaulted ceilings. The works. Infinity pool. Beautiful.
JB: Richard...
RB: Jane thinks I'm burying myself in work and credit card purchases to, I dunno, avoid grieving. But I say she's nutso!
OT: Uh-huh. So, what's been your most luxurious purchase to date?
RB: Well I work hard and I like to play hard. I just bought a jet ski for our beach house. I have the need for speed!
OT: Top Gun.
RB: Exactly right.
JB: Richard...please.
OT: So, what's your number one home make-over fantasy?
JB: If this is why you came here, I don't know if we should continue.
RB: Personally, I'd love to get that new 103-inch plasma screen from Panasonic. Oh, and definitely a game room--you know, ivory pool table with black felt, surround sound stereo where I could play my old records as loud as I want. And a stripper pole like my man Big Boi has!
JB: Richard, that's enough. Ms. Mills, if you don't mind...
OT: Who's your number one celeb crush?
RB: Cybil Shepherd. She's sexy.
JB: What?
RB: Get off my back, woman.
OT: Classic Brown banter. Great stuff, guys.
JB: This is not banter! Our family is falling apart...I...I just want my little girl back!
OT: Are you going to cry?
JB: I don't know what I'm doing anymore...
OT: Because if you're going to cry just wait and I'll call our photographer.
JB: Please...
OT: Are you upset?
JB: Just get out!
OT: Richard, tell her to chill out.
RB: Honey, I'm thirsty. I'd like a glass of water. With lemon. Dick Brown drinks lemon water. Write that down.
OT: Perrier or still water?
RB: Honey do we have--what was it called?
OT: Perrier.
RB: Do we have Perrier?
JB: No.
RB: What is that anyway?
OT: Sparkling water.
RB: Like seltzer?
OT: Kind of. Smaller bubbles. Like champagne.
RB: Oh now you're speaking my language. Honey, tell her how much I like champagne.
JB: He gets black out drunk a lot.
OT: Bling bling!
RB: Bling bling! Honey she said that! My grief sale is still on you know... I put in an ad last week.
OT: Yeah I saw it. Pretty good. Who does your design?
RB: I do it all on MS Word. Pretty sweet huh?
JB: Sammy? Sammy, where are you sweetie? It's mommy!
OT: What is she doing?
RB: Oh, she does this almost every day. It's like she still thinks Sammy...still...
OT: Go on.
RB: Still thinks Sammy is...alive...
JB: [sobbing] Sammy's dead!
RB: [sobbing] My little girl!
OT: Damn.

Posted by Greg White at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments

Local News

"Risque" Business on Display at Art Gallery
by Katherine Mills Our Town Staff


Everyone loves a good piece of art. They decorate our hallways and bathrooms, spruce up our porches around the holidays, and generally speaking are very pretty. But sometimes, as anyone who has seen Roman statues can tell you, art can turn raunchy and ugly. Such is the case at the Herb and Zelda Sokoloff Art Gallery, where they have chosen to display a series of what they call "abstract nudes" by the local artist, and threateningly ethnic, Zamora Kirsch.

The offending pieces of "art" (all titled "Untitled" followed by a number) pander to the lowest common denominator: drug addicts, pornography junkies, and infants. Throughout 20 different pieces, "Ms." Kirsch's self portraits depict her in various stages of erotic undress and the result is terribly upsetting to one's sense of decency. The most offensive of all is one of Madame Kirsch's earliest works, "Untitled No. 2". In it, a vague female form hugs her knees, her back to the viewer, hiding what we can only assume to be a shameful pair of breasts. The woman is characteristically nude, but what sets the offending portrait above the rest is that a vetical sliver of black can be detected toward the, well, base of the woman, a feature we can safely interpret as the woman's rear end.

The public, to their credit, has responded swiftly and powerfully, threatening police action and going as far to put their homes on the market, a kind of economic hostage crisis. There have been death threats, bomb scares, and even an attempt to poison the Sokoloffs using bullets dipped in bacteria.

Says chief of police Timothy Moorhouse, "I worked Chicago in the 60s, New York City in the 70s, and I've never seen anything like this. In twenty years living and working here, this is the first time we've had to look into purchasing riot gear."

And when asked how the fire department planned on battling the daily fire bombings, Fire Marshall Mike Kalomesko said, "We're just going to let it burn."

The Sokoloffs could not be reached for comment for this story as friends say the couple, fearing for their lives, have gone into hiding. It is rumored that they are seeking asylum in Eastern Europe, where is is reported that Mr. Sokoloff has family.

The filth gallery, Chesterfield Ridge's one and only, opened its doors to the public just over a year ago and was initially perceived as a success. The owners, socialites Herb and Zelda Sokoloff, have lived in Chesterfield Ridge for over thirty years and decided to start the gallery as a response to what they call "an alarming lack of culture" in town. The gallery struggled early on to book shows and find local artists, and had to set their sights a little lower than they had once intended to, resulting in exhibitions such as one featuring a Stanley Tucci elementary third grade class' "Turkey Hands."

But the Sokoloffs perservered and continued spreading the word over expensive luncheons and benefit dinners and after a time, artists from the region began popping up, clammering for their chance to get a show at the Sokoloff's little gallery on Broadway.

Now though, the public says maybe they made a mistake in allowing art to come to Chesterfield Ridge. Says local stay-at-home Linda Stockton, "At first it was cute, you know, you had the coffee shop putting books and magazines on the tables, a few of the restaurants had jazz bands play here and there. But now with this, it's like I don't even know what happened to my town. It's just not Christian. Now check out this Malotov action!"

Said another citizen, who asked to remain anonymous, "Ever since that art gallery opened everything's gone haywire: the days are getting shorter, the weather's been noticeably colder, and I even saw white flakes falling from the sky." He added, "God must be pretty angry with us."

Indeed, Chesterfield Ridge's once luxurious musk is smelling a little ranker to those who take enough care to notice. Skateboarding villains have been seen around the shopping plaza, and ever since the assault began on the Sokoloff's gallery, arson fires have been rampant on Broadway.

The events of the past few weeks have many questioning the Sokoloff's intentions in the first place. "Culture is dead in Chesterfield Ridge? Really?" said Bob Carr, local restaurateur. "Apparently the Sokoloffs have never been to the annual Stanley Tucci Thanksgiving Day pagent. What are they hiding anyway?"

And what does the artist herself have to say about all this? In an email to Our Town, she may or may not have written, "I'm a big stupid face. I poop in my pants." Disgusting.

At a press conference last Thursday in front of the Mayoral Condo, Thomas Allenbach told the press, "I lie awake at night wondering what causes someone to act out in such a gruesome and sublimely erotic manner?" He adjusted his Native American head dress and added, "Is anyone else kinda turned on right now?"

For now the only answers we have will come in the form of the smouldering remains of the Sokoloff's former Smut Factory and the comfort that comes from urinating on the sordid remains of "Untitled" numbers one through twenty.

Posted by Greg White at 7:26 AM | Permalink | Comments