Our Town

BREAKING NEWS!

Walker Declares Himself "Big Stupid Fatty," Endorses Allenbach!

In a shocking move, mayoral candidate James Walker has chosen to endorse hated opponent Thomas Allenbach citing his secret obesity and apparent lack of reading comprehension as reasons.

Neither Mayor Allenbach nor James Walker were available for comment.

Keep your keister tuned in for more.

Posted by Greg White at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments

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Paid for by the campaign to re-elect Thomas Allenbach

Posted by Greg White at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Our Town Poll


When is the Election?

97%: When you vote for people who you think should be mayor.
3%: November 2th.

Posted by Greg White at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Science

Why Come it Get Dark? Why Come?
by Albert Ray, Our Town Science Man

Let us paint a scenario. You are sitting on your porch, enjoying the afternoon, when all of the sudden, it is as though someone turned off the light switch. "What's going on here?" you ask of no one in particular. You stumble around blindly, battling the cold, until finally you make your way inside and snap on your own electric lights.

Odd? Hardly. It's called night time and it's happening earlier every day.

The way it works is simple: the Sun rotates around the Earth every day. When the Sun is over good ol' Chesterfield Ridge, it is day time. When the Sun is not, it is night time. Everytime the Sun finishes one revolution around the Earth, we call that a day.

Now the Earth, being the stoic and all-powerful being that it is, could very easily follow the Sun around the universe, pointing out its flaws and moral weaknesses ("Chasin' skirt again, eh, helios?") but it doesn't out of respect for the Sun's dignity (or what's left of it). Skirt chaser though he may be, old Helios has been a good friend to the Earth, and there have even been times where the Sun taught the Earth a thing or two.

So instead, the Earth sits around translating the works of Homer into Mandarin (for the Earth is very learned) and prefecting his various quiche recipes. Cue Old Man Winter, who is now coming down the road with his staff and old nasty cart full of bits of trash. Old Man Winter is a miserable old man and can't stand people having fun. So he chases after the Sun, trying to squash summer time. Every year the Sun starts out pretty well, but as is the case with the Sun, he spends all of his energy early on, neglecting foresight and hindsight, and in the end, Old Man Winter catches him, thus ushering in what we call winter time.

As a result, the days get darker earlier and Old Man Winter, having finally accomplished his yearly goal once again, contemplates suicide in a little cabin on the outskirts of the forest. In the end Old Man Winter decides not to off himself, curses his own name as a coward, and falls asleep with a bottle in his hand.

What the Earth doesn't know is that every so often, Old Man Winter will call him up on the telephone. At first it just rings, but then the Earth answers. Old Man Winter begins to speak but can't, so great is his admiration and respect for the Earth. So Old Man Winter just sits quietly while the Earth goes, "Hello? Hello?" before finally hanging up.

So why doesn't the Earth just snap Old Man Winter's neck and be done with it? It's not that he couldn't (because he most definitely could), it's just that the Earth feels pity on Old Man Winter. Also, the Earth, being very wise (and very handsome) decides that the worst punishment for a sorry old loon like Old Man Winter is for him to live out the rest of his days in solitude. This is not to say that the Earth is without compassion. The Earth takes part in many charitable organizations and even once tried to call up Old Man Winter to invite him to a Winter Soiree, but just as Earth dialed Old Man Winter (OMW would be shocked and touched to learn that Earth knows his number by memory), Old Man Winter dialed Earth and the lines got crossed and neither side ended up connecting.


Hope that helps!

Posted by Greg White at 7:53 AM | Permalink | Comments

Local News in Brief

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Local Woman Smells Something Great

It was reported yesterday that while out on a stroll, Mrs. Allison Mayfair "smelled something great" in the air. The unidentified smell is reported to have been "a bakery-like" smell. Witnesses on the scene suggested that perhaps the smell was the result of a commercial bakery preparing flake pastry or bread. No one was seriously injured.

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Nap Time Delayed Thirty Minutes

Local sitter Ashley Williams allowed local tot Johnny Maier an additional 30 minutes of play time in the backyard due to the "magnificent" weather. Johnny's naptime is typically scheduled for 3PM. No word on whether or not Johnny's mother granted the delay or how the 3:30 nap time will affect Johnny's performance today.

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New Cheddar to Replace Other Cheddar

The Chesterfield Ridge deli will be stocking Boar's Head cheddar due to an unspecified "accident" at the Dairy's Finest factory in nearby Trentsville. Boar's Head cheddar, says the manufacturer, is "really f**king good."

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Shopping Plaza Clock Temporarily Down

The large clock in the shopping plaza will be disabled during a routine battery change and will thusly be inaccurate from noon until noon-thirty.

Posted by Greg White at 7:34 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Greg White at 7:16 AM | Permalink | Comments

Weather or Not with Phil Stubbs, Canonized Greek!

Weather Forecast for October 18th, 2006: SOLIPSISTIC!

Posted by Greg White at 7:12 AM | Permalink | Comments