Awkward Dinners Fizzle
by Eric Mills, Our Town Staff
What began as an earnest plan to get to know the neighbors ended in a mutual silence last week at the home of Sheryl and Lucas Halberstram. The Halberstrams wed ten months ago and moved to Chesterfield Ridge shortly after. During this time Sheryl says, "we were so caught up in settling down we barely even noticed our neighbors." Making matters worse was their work schedules. Sheryl is a nurse at nearby desegregated hospital St. Martha's, while Lucas is a freelance mens' slacks designer. Neither profession allowed for much time to socialize with neighbors. Adds Lucas, "for a long time we just saw each other and our coworkers and that was it."
Until last week, the Halberstrams had no idea that, for example, Bill and Melinda Gainsfoot (28 Oak St.) were going through a "rough patch" or that John Holdman had lived alone in the house across the street ever since he inherited it from his aunt Liza. "There was just this entire world of gossip that we were theoretically a part of, but never took part in," says the couple H. That was when Sheryl had the idea to host a series of dinners in an effort to build some bridges.
The Halberstrams invited James and Susan Mesky for the inaugural meal, one that consisted of roast pork loin and green beans. Says Susan, "We had no idea that one of James' hobbies was to design mens' shirts! He and Lucas have become fast friends." With the men involved in talks of the fickle nature of their clients, the women were left to discuss plans for children and married life. It was during this time that Sheryl had second thoughts about her newly minted plan. "Susan was nice and all, don't get me wrong, but we just didn't have anything in common."
"Still," she adds, "I put a pleasant face on because Lucas really seemed to be enjoying himself." (Lucas would later admit that he was only chatting with James because he thought Sheryl was enjoying herself...jinx!).
With one dinner down and a sense of grim satisfaction, the couple decided to invite Pam and Ray Walsh over for an early Sunday dinner of roast chicken and butternut squash mash (says Lucas, "My wife gets crazy for roasted meats"). If the previous week had been a vague warning at best, dinner number two was a bright red flag. "From the moment they walked in I just knew we wouldn't get along," said flannel-loving Lucas. "Ray just kept touching things and he had this really odd tic where he would spit when he blinked. I felt embarrassed for the guy." As for Ray's wife, Sheryl summed it up best when she quipped, "She smelled like sh-t."
The evening began innocently enough with small talk accompanied by a tray of olives, bread and cheese. Conversation revolved mostly around local politics (the Walshes had voted for James Walker while the progressive Halberstrams took a chance on Stanley Tucci) and lawn maintenance whilst Ray hungrily wolfed down olives "pits and all." The plan, according to Lucas and Sheryl, was to just make it through the main course and end the evening without dessert. However by the time the two couples sat down to their roasted chicken, "we had run out of stuff to talk about," says Lucas.
It was then that Pam breached the subject of her uterus. Had the Halberstrams been a part of neighborhood gossip in the weeks and months prior to their dinner, they would have known that for Pam Walsh, no subject holds greater allure than that of her collapsed and barren uterus. Sheryl was not pleased: "I'm trying to bite through the bone on the drumstick--good for the jaw muscles--and all this woman wants to do is tell me about the consistency of her period and how she has to put ointment inside her, you know, to prevent infection. It's like, give me a break, I'm eating!"
Lucas seconds his wife's feelings: "I think this dinner really highlighted the fact that maybe me and Sheryl just aren't really a good fit for this neighborhood."
By the time the chicken carcass lay naked, stripped of its meat and dignity, Sheryl and Lucas had had enough. But the Walshes were just getting warmed up. At approximately 9:45 PM, Pam and Ray made their way into the living room and promptly fell asleep. "It was unbelievable," smirks Lucas. "I was like, 'Are you kidding me?'"
Left by themselves, the Halberstrams thought that the best medicine for their nuisance neighbors was no medicine at all. The table cleared of chicken grease, and the living room swept clean of Ray's wayward olive pits, Lucas and Sheryl went upstairs, washed, and went to bed. The next morning, Ray and Pam were gone; apparently shame showed them the door.
So will the two continue to host dinners in the never-ending quest to meet their neighbors, or will they hang up their roast pan into retirement and get a subscription to Neighborhood Hermit Magazine? "I think we both just need a little time to ourselves," sighed Sheryl. Seconds Lucas, "Yeah, I mean, these pants aren't going to make themselves! Am I right? I said, am I right? Why won't you answer me?!"
