And Then There Were EightMayoral Millionaire Candidate Killed in Freak Tunneling Accident
by
Eric Mills, Our Town Staff
Early this morning, neighbors of mayoral candidate Jack Habishaw were awoken by what one resident called "a huge boom." The boom, they would soon find out, was an explosion caused by a malfunction in Mr. Habishaw's much ballyhood
tunneling machine. An explosion that took his life.
The 42 year old venture capitalist made his fortune through investing in various startup companies, from the local (Daisy's Dairy Shack) to the national (Larry's Price Club), and only recently had he turned his sights on politics.
After reading an
article in this very paper, one that outlined a plan for a subterranean luxury community, Mr. Habishaw decided that he would put his money where his mouth was, and go for one last adventure before retiring.
Says his friend and sometimes business partner Larry Scheft, "Jackie was the kind of guy who took risks in life, the kind of friend who believed that nobody won unless everybody won. He was just a gracious guy and his heart was as big as his yacht."
The accident marks the week's second tragedy, following the hit-and-run killing of local saint
Sammy Brown. It also is the second time in as many days that the pool of mayoral candidates has been reduced, with Tony Shalhoub dropping out to support his friend
Stanley Tucci in what some are calling a cheap publicity stunt, and others a "fantastic networking opportunity."
For the past several weeks, Mr. Habishaw had been holed up in his gated home furiously working to complete his tunneling machine, a key element in the creation of said subterranean country, in time before the November election. Says Scheft, "He wanted to do it as a gift to the community...once he started working on it and realized that the plan actually might work, he stopped caring about winning the election, and focused more on giving the citizens of Chesterfield Ridge this beautiful gift. He really cared."
He continued, "Yeah he may have been a little intense for some people, what with the hot air ballooning around the globe, and the parachuting his nephews and nieces to school, and the backyard safari and all that stuff. But when you get right down to it, Jack Habishaw was the rare individual who really attacks life with both hands. Not many people can say that. Also, he really loved soup."
***
With his plans coming along better than he had expected, reports tell us that early this morning Habishaw decided to give his machine a test run. Sometime around 4AM, neighbors heard "machine sounds and digging noises" followed shortly by "an explosion." Police on the scene say that Mr. Habishaw died immediately and that efforts to revive him were hopeless.
Experts say that the designs for his tunneling machine were flawed from the get-go. Local science man Daryl Krenshaw had a chance to review the plans before they were carted off to the family vault and says that, "even a layman could tell that there was no way this machine would work. First of all the materials he used were not compatible to say the least: he had somehow obtained various military weaponry, most of it rusted and useless and taped, yes taped, them to the side of the machine.
"Then he had a few missiles drilled onto the side of the thing, not to mention the giant drill up front. All this, combined with the fact that the gas tanks were also on the outside of the machine makes for one very flamable device. I'm just amazed more people weren't injured. And don't even get me started on the plan itself...tunnel to the Earth's core? What was he thinking?"
The machine was modeled after a Ninja Turtles lunch box Mr. Habishaw had seen while
strolling the aisles of one of the price clubs he helped create. According to his personal journal, it was at this moment that Mr. Habishaw, who had been quite taken with the ideas of the
Our Town article, was struck with inspiration.
To quote his journal, "I had been mulling over the article for the better part of a week: was it possible to create a world without poor people? Or better yet, create a world where poor people weren't allowed? I had been looking into contained blasting devices that would be able to dig down on their own before detonating and creating hollowed spaces under the earth's surface, but it all seemed too risky. When I came upon the lunch box, I had a Eureka! moment, put two and two together, and the project in its current incarnation was born."
Pouring over the journal with friends and family at a private service, Mr. Scheft turned the page, wiped a tear from his eye and laughed. "That's Jackie Boy for ya."
The family has not yet made a decision regarding what to do with his vast estate, but friends close to the source say that it will most likely be "grossly extravagant."
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