Celeb Watch!
Browns: "The holidays are the worst..."
Ex-parents Celebrate Holiday in Style
by Katherine Mills
While most Thanksgiving oriented Chesterfield Ridgeians settled down for a plain old turkey dinner with traditional (read: booooring!) sides like cranberry compote and stuffing, local celebs Richard and Jane Brown decided this year they would break the mold. Boasts Jane, "Ever since our little girl left us...it would just be too hard to go back to the way things were." And how!
So while bourgeois families linked hands and bowed their heads in prayer, Jane and R to the ichard picked up a ultra trendy frozen dinners (who says Thanksgiving dinner can't come with a second helping of hip irony?) and cracked open a bottle of wine that was given to them by Jane's now deceased mother on the day their ex-daughter, Samantha, was born.
Mic checked Richard, "Jane didn't feel like cooking, and hell, ever since the dealership started going south, I haven't showered, so it was just like, What's the point?" The point is, all you non-famous masses out there in newspaper land, these two cats got style! We're talking a whopping 8% by volume!
And rather than the traditional (-ly boring, that is! zoing!) homemade pumpkin pie, the Browns showed their individuality and style by dishing out on a pint of frozen custard courtesy of a Ben & Jerry care package. Comped merch? Only one of the luxuries of the rich and famous. "It's from one of the care packages I guess. We've been getting so much support from everyone...flowers, gift baskets, decorative soaps...this I think, is called Phish Food. Like the band or something." Word up, Jane!
But even the good life has its drawbacks. Says Tricky Dicky B: "At first all this stuff--it was a nice distraction. I had my business and Jane had her milliner classes. But after a while the once rich and fatty ice-cream just became too much....too rich. The taste of it just reminded us of Samantha's horrific death at the hands of a careless ice-cream truck driver." Sweet!
But the holiday madness don't stop when the clock tells it to, no way. For the very next morning Rich and Jane were spotted at a local electronics store cashing in on the major holiday savings. Richard says the "crippling debt" will give him a nice big hole to either climb out of, or at the very least, a "quiet place where I can just die alone." His very own hole? Sounds tres posh!
Later that day the Browns were seen hugging and crying over at a local graveyard. We followed them there for the inside scoop, but upon seeing our staff photographer Bernie Jenson, Richard went into (what we will assume to be) a coke-driven frenzy, swinging his arms, spitting and gnashing his teeth while saying something about some "little girl." Wethinks this celeb has a mistress! Yowza! No word on whether or not it was the grave of their deceased daughter.
Although Bernie did sustain several bruises and even a cut on his chin, if there's one thing we here at Our Town know how to do, it's sue the pants off celebrity scum like Richard and Jane Brown! Alright above-ground swimming pool! Office mates, get your swim trunks ready, because our old pal Bernie hit the jackpot! Or should we say, the jack pot hit him? Zoing!
