Our Town

My name is James Walker, and I’m running against incumbent Mayor Thomas Allenbach this November. People come up to me all the time when I’m trying to enjoy a nice, quiet meal with my family and pester me with annoying questions like “Gee, Jim. We’ve known Mayor Tom a long time and the town hasn’t gone through any appreciable changes since he’s been in office. Why should we look for a change, and moreover, what are you going to do to change anything?”

Well first of all, I hate the name Jim. My name is James Walker and my title is Third Selectman, and I would appreciate it if people would start calling me this from now on. Show a little respect.

But more relevant to our little town’s elections, I think that we need a change in city hall. Like most of you, Mayor Allenbach is an old rich white man who is out of touch with Chesterfield Ridge’s growing working class community. And yes, though most of you would like to deny it, our working class is growing quickly. I was raised in a working class community on the outskirts of Newark and I had to work my way up from virtually nothing to the comfy position I sit in today. I know what it’s like to worry if you’re going to make your next mortgage payments with enough money left over to buy groceries for your family. I know the working class community inside and out, which is why I am the man to lead Chesterfield Ridge at this critical juncture in our history to force working class citizens out of our town once and for all.

Mayor Allenbach believes that the best way to keep our elite small community free from the scourge of lower class citizenry is to slash income taxes for the very rich and hope this “trickles down,” triggering them to buy more real estate and building luxury condos over the makeshift shacks that threaten our lovely tree-lined suburban streets. But this is inefficient. We need to work with our strengths. My plan is to increase property taxes gradually to 600% by the end of my first term. The very rich will afford the gouging and the poor will be forced to leave or else their property will be bulldozed and the rubble and remaining artifacts and heirlooms torched. I also pledge to stop garbage pick-up to low-income neighborhoods, put fewer police in our streets and tinker with our zoning to make sure the message is clear that our town is a place that is for the wealthy only.

A town with a rising working class needs a mayor with a blue collar background to truly deal with the many dangers and inconveniences they present. Mayor Allenbach, born into luxury, has no clue. I rose to the top of the social ladder not with the help of those around me, but by stepping on as many subhuman working class barbarians as I could find. City hall needs a mayor that understands the challenges of living in a working class family so we can exploit those challenges to keep these people out. I’m James Walker and I’m running for mayor because I'm the working class family’s worst nightmare.