Friday, September 15, 2006

News in Brief


*Epidemic to Reach Epic Proportions Before Nightfall

"In what scientists are calling the 'worst thing to happen in Chesterfield ever...'"

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*Meaning of Life Discovered, Christ Returns to Earth

"'Hello...'"

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*Notice: Drinking Water to Be Temporarily Replaced by Arsnic

"Said Chesterfield Water spokesman Jim Douglas, 'It is very important that people heed the notice and...'"

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*Sexiest Woman Alive Caught in Rainstorm Wearing White Blouse in Downtown Chesterfield; Needs a Lift Home

"...at the corner of..."

Late Edition


Something or Other Has Some Kind of Effect on Other Thing
by Larry St. James, Our Town Staff

CHESTERFIELD RIDGE--An unidentified something or other had some undetermined effect on this, that, and the other thing, it was reported this evening.

The thing with the thing, you know, the thing, is said to have several close ties within the other what's-it-called. A vague notion was expressed by what's-her-face and it seems as though while everything is temporarily unsettled, some other time it might be different.

"Well the trouble is that it's hard to say really," said one hard to make out male or female witness. "It just sorta came and went, not really worth mentioning when you think about it."

Stay tuned for further developments...


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Isn't it Finally Time for an Old White Man Who Plays Golf to be in Charge?

THEN VOTE FOR JAMES WALKER, 2007, A 13-HANDICAP!!!


Working-class hero, James Walker

"I'll run the bastards right out of town!"



Paid for by the Campaign to Elect James Walker

Ou-To, Op-Ed

I Am So Outta Here
by Henry Richards, Teenager

Ever since I came to high school I've been so over Chesterfield Ridge. All anyone ever talks about is materialism and capitalism. It's like they're so shallow and superficial and I'm the only real person there is.

I was talking with my mom last week and she was showing me all these car brochures: Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, Lincoln and so on. And she's all, "Oh, sweetie, which one do you want for your birthday? Do you think you'd like black leather or tan? I guess black wouldn't show stains as much." And I'm like, "Mom, do you honestly think I even care? Don't you know that we're at war right now because President Bush is a total retard? Oh, wait, of course not, you're just a stupid housewife. Oh, and cloth seats are fine, as long as the rims are sick."

My dad's job is to make money for some company or whatever and he's always out playing golf or running or organizing charity events and all this stuff. I am so bored out of my mind with all of his corporate friends. All I want to do is make movies, you know? Move to LA or New York and make it big time. That movie Rent was pretty good I thought because everyone in it does what they want and lives in a really creative environment. On my mySpace page there was this girl who was talking about how if she couldn't take pictures she'd probably kill herself. To me, honestly, that's so deep as opposed to everyone around here who, due to the fact that all they care about is money, can't even see what's going on.

As soon as I'm finished with high school, and then college and maybe grad school, I'm definitely moving out of here and getting my own place. My mom and dad both went to Yale so I could probably go there, but everyone there is so stuffy. I'll probably go to a school like Brown or maybe even Georgetown. Not like I care anyway, they'll probably just try to get me to conform to society's standards. I can totally empathize with immigrants. I really want to spend a year in South America and make a difference. I bought this Che Guevarra shirt and it's so sick. I'm going to wear it to junior prom with a tux jacket, jeans, and a beat-up pair of All-Stars.


Goings-On Around Our Town: Weekend Edition

What: Pottery Fair

Where: Stanley Tucci High School auditorium

When: Saturday and Sunday, from 10AM to 4PM

Why: Dazzling delights from a--wait, seriously?

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What: Free Epic Jazz Concert in the Park

Where: Pondside Park

When: Saturday, from 7PM to roughly 9:30AM.

Why: A little ethnic culture never hurt anyone.

Who: Troy Smithson and His WASP Jazz Band

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What: Sexercise Pole Dancing Class

Where: Our Town Gym

When: Saturday and Sunday, from 7:30AM to 9:30AM

Why: It pays the bills better than waitin' tables

How much: Fifty for a lap dance, a Benjamin for private room. No touching!

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What: Edible Arts Exhibit

What?: It's food sculpture.

What?: You know, like pineapple carved to look like a tree, or a beet like a flower.

No thanks, queerbait: Nobody's forcing you to go...

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What: Gallery Opening - Zamora Kirsch: Nude Series

Where: Herb and Zelda Sokoloff Gallery, 116 Broadway

When: Sunday at noon

Why: It just might get the missus in the mood...

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What: Fundraising Gala for the Arts

Where: Coucher du Soleil Bistro, 37 Acorn Dr.

When: Sunday, from 5:45 PM to midnight

Cost: $500 per couple

Pants: Optional


Ethnic/Urban Woman on the Street

Because we're legally obligated to...here is our new Afro-American columnist, Kalifa Tauber with the first of what I'm sure will be many enlightening and progressive articles. -The Editor

Date of Annual Cancellation of Annual African-American Day Parade Announced;
"Safer" Cancellation Parade Scheduled in its Place


by Kalifa Tauber, Our Town Staff

Cancellation Parade 2005

At a poorly-attended press conference this afternoon, Mayor Allenbach announced the official cancellation date of the annual African-American Day parade as October 1st, 2006.

The holiday has been a tepidly received Chesterfield Ridge tradition since 1993 when Mayor Allenbach
concocted the idea as a ploy to attract "progressive voters." Typically scheduled for the first rainy afternoon of the first Monday in October, African-American Day has always been paired with the cancellation of an accompanying parade.

Says Mayor Allenbach, "At first it was sort of this inside joke between me and some of the Town Board members, like, 'Well, gee, there aren't any African-Americans in Chesterfield Ridge, so what the heck do we need to give 'em a parade for?' But then it turned into this sort of tradition that the townspeople got behind."

So enthused are the citizens of Chesterfield Ridge by the yearly cancellation--typically announced several days before African-American Day and determined by weather forecasts--that the cancellation of the parade was only skipped once in the thirteen years since the holiday was created.

"Yeah, one year we decided to go ahead and actually do a parade," recalls Mayor Allenbach, whose skin is as pure as oatmeal. "But it was kind of a one-joke pony, you know? It was like, 'Check us out, guys, we're actually having a parade for this thing!' And at first people laughed about it like, 'You guys are crazy!' but after about fifteen minutes we just sent the marching band home because no one even bothered showing up. Besides," he adds, "it was raining anyway."








Fall Sports Kick-Off with Horace Kvscheznowski

Because of multiple restraining orders and a severe jail sentence, Chuck Hassel will no longer be covering high school sports for Our Town (he will, however, cover the prison-yard athletics to which he will soon become acustom). In his place until the strength to find a replacement can be mustered, our very own Horace Kvscheznowski. -The Editor

The Athletic Event
Sub-division 1: 49 game units
Sub-division 2: 36 game units


So I suppose you will be wanting to know about the event I attended last evening. First, it was held in a large wooded auditorium similar to the imposing interrogation room at my former prison. Many spectators gathered to watch along with me. I am a big celebrity now I suppose. A joke.

There were two opposing factions, each with their own set of costumery. Now Sub-division 1, let's call them, would take a ball and toss it to and fro amongst children wearing similar colors. If they did not toss the ball, they could move individually, but in order to do this, they were required to bounce the ball. Bouncing the ball allowed them to travel distances.

When they did not bounce the ball as they are running, a jailer would shout at them and award the other faction, sub-division 2, temporary ownership of the ball. The object, as far as I could tell, was to toss the ball against a piece of window. If the ball fell into the hoop, the team who is shooting was punished with Offense Units. What is curious to me is that despite the harm these offense units would provide to the team's achievement in victory, the Commander of the team would shout happily upon such an instance. In the end, the team with the higher score loses or some such idea. That said, it was all very tiring and confusing.

Every so often the teams would run away and hide. While others went to locate them, harlequins would appear and attempt flight as their friends threw them into the air. It was terrifying.

After a while I grew tired and napped. I was awoken by a loud buzzing. Startled, I attempted to leave the event by following the lines on the floor; however I was not fast or secretive enough because the jailer spotted me and demanded I return to my seat. I quickly decided that my only escape was through an open window behind the seating area. I asked one of the other prisoners to aid me in my escape but he returned my plea with a look of puzzlement. This is a common symptom of brainwashing efforts.

It was at this point that I decided that my escape would come from my own efforts, or not at all. Mustering the strength, I lift my torso through window and feel cool night air on my face and I smile because this feeling so often reminds me of freedom. Then a hand grabbed my ankle and I kick and squirm and come free and fall to the ground below. I then run away very quickly before the jailers come and find me.

The totality of my evening at this event was negative, although I did purchase a wurst from a child in exchange for something called "Tucci Tix" which I have purchased when I enter the event in exchange for American currency. I do not plan on a return visit. God help us.


Next week, Horace pulls a Bill Plimpton and Suits Up For an Afternoon Practice with the Fighting Tuccimen Football Squad!

The Architect's Notepad

Strip Search
Design for New Strip Mall Revealed, but How Does it Measure Up? Our Architecture Critic Samantha Morse Lets Us Know.

After months of planning and a series of design disputes, The Canon Group has released the final design for Chesterfield Ridge's new strip mall. The design--one that invokes the Neo-Classical sensibilities of Thomas Jefferson's Monticello and the post-modern tendancies of the Venturis--has been at the center of a fierce debate between The Canon Group (TCG) on one side, and the Town Board on the other. The Town Board alledges that TCG failed to take into consideration previously agreed upon design elements, such as a series of gradually diminishing Romanesque columns (TCG wanted Doric) and intricate trompe l'oeils on the structure's facade, clearly a post-modernist nod to the Robert Venturi's notion of a "painted shed."

TCG on the other hand, with their strong sense of space, and the integrating of outdoor and indoor held strong to their vision of the space as the end stages of a minimalist continuum established by the likes of Le Corbusier and even, to a less articulated degree, Mies Van Der Rohe. TCG claims that the irony inherent in the Town Board's vision would compromise the overall integrity of a structure whose main goal is to point out, in an underhanded fashion, the futility of capatalist pursuits. Too much irony, apparently, is a bad thing (just don't tell Philip Johnson!), or to echo Corbu's sentiments, this is not a pipe.

But these squabbles are now a thing of the past, and all that is left is the design (see below). So, is it any good? The short answer is yes, but the design is not without its faults. To begin generally, the space will occupy what is now 3 acres of wooded area near Stone Street, a nook tucked away from the (minimalist one might say) "hustle of bustle" of downtown Chesterfield Ridge. The irony in the location is apparent: escape the madness of one anthill into the arms of an equally busy beehive. Cute.

The facade of the building will be in stucco, another nod to Robert Venturi's idea of complexity and contradiction, best exemplified in the house he built for his mother Vanna. All of the conventions are present (sloping roof, big picture windows), only in proportions that are slightly skewed and a tad demented. To the layman, the design is that of any other strip mall, but a closer inspection reveals an impressive array of influences, from the landscape architecture and parallelism of Thomas Jefferson, to the palladian windows that are, impressively, also a reference to a reference (TJ was influenced by classicism, which he in turn turned into neo-classicism).

These design elements, along with many others, combine to create an impressive visceral rush of impressions. For instance, the utter squareness of the space seems to indicate the mundane nature of life in a strip mall: an agreed upon sequence of events repeated day after day after day after... Each interior space is identical to the one next to it, creating a sense of claustrophobia and anxiety within the patrons of these stores and asking the question, Are we ever free from our monetary pursuits? The answer, according to the design, seems to be no, and this notion is amplified by the sight of luxury vehicles roaring up and down Main Street.

Now the negative. For starters, the design seems awfully amateur in some regards, such as the (over)use of plastics, concrete, and other industrial materials. Yes, we get it, materials should be easily reproduced and, yes, we remember Frank Lloyd Wright's occasional Brutalist streak, but this theme is already well-developed in the structure of the space and need not be reiterated through the building materials as well. In short, it is thematic overkill.

Furthermore, and this may be an inescapable trapping of the genre and a larger philosophical question at worst, how can a design whose message is one of anti-consumerism effectively serve as a place of the very thing it seeks out to destroy? But I digress...

Utlimately the success of the design will be determined by those who will inhabit the space: namely the patrons of the stores and the shop owners. An early and incomplete listing of the stores scheduled to take the various spaces reads like any shopping plaza in any upscale town in America: GAP, J. Crew, Whole Foods, and so on.

The only non-profit name on the list was the Fresh Air Fund, who will be using their space as an office away from their New York City HQ. This occupation, however, seems as though it will be short-lived. The wealthy residents of Chesterfield County can stomach stuffy post-modern architecture, but minorities? Now that's another story.

-SM



The (mostly) brilliant design for Chesterfield Ridge's new upscale strip mall. Whether or not it will be a success has yet to be determined.

Graphic courtesy of The Canon Group. Copyright 2006.

Weather or Not with Phil Stubbs, Ex-Marine

Weather Forecast for September 15th, 2006: OLD TESTAMENT!






Photo of the Day for September 15, 2006!

Here, a woman, still pretty, no longer young, not yet old, contemplates the rest of her life in the emotional stucco prison that is her domesticated life in Chesterfield Ridge. Or is a kitty?

"Here, Kitty, Kitty!"


Too bad it's not my wife. That'd learn her real good. -The Editor

Photo Credit: Sebastian Montier, Prowler

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