Local News
"Risque" Business on Display at Art Gallery
by Katherine Mills Our Town Staff
Everyone loves a good piece of art. They decorate our hallways and bathrooms, spruce up our porches around the holidays, and generally speaking are very pretty. But sometimes, as anyone who has seen Roman statues can tell you, art can turn raunchy and ugly. Such is the case at the Herb and Zelda Sokoloff Art Gallery, where they have chosen to display a series of what they call "abstract nudes" by the local artist, and threateningly ethnic, Zamora Kirsch.
The offending pieces of "art" (all titled "Untitled" followed by a number) pander to the lowest common denominator: drug addicts, pornography junkies, and infants. Throughout 20 different pieces, "Ms." Kirsch's self portraits depict her in various stages of erotic undress and the result is terribly upsetting to one's sense of decency. The most offensive of all is one of Madame Kirsch's earliest works, "Untitled No. 2". In it, a vague female form hugs her knees, her back to the viewer, hiding what we can only assume to be a shameful pair of breasts. The woman is characteristically nude, but what sets the offending portrait above the rest is that a vetical sliver of black can be detected toward the, well, base of the woman, a feature we can safely interpret as the woman's rear end.
The public, to their credit, has responded swiftly and powerfully, threatening police action and going as far to put their homes on the market, a kind of economic hostage crisis. There have been death threats, bomb scares, and even an attempt to poison the Sokoloffs using bullets dipped in bacteria.
Says chief of police Timothy Moorhouse, "I worked Chicago in the 60s, New York City in the 70s, and I've never seen anything like this. In twenty years living and working here, this is the first time we've had to look into purchasing riot gear."
And when asked how the fire department planned on battling the daily fire bombings, Fire Marshall Mike Kalomesko said, "We're just going to let it burn."
The Sokoloffs could not be reached for comment for this story as friends say the couple, fearing for their lives, have gone into hiding. It is rumored that they are seeking asylum in Eastern Europe, where is is reported that Mr. Sokoloff has family.
The filth gallery, Chesterfield Ridge's one and only, opened its doors to the public just over a year ago and was initially perceived as a success. The owners, socialites Herb and Zelda Sokoloff, have lived in Chesterfield Ridge for over thirty years and decided to start the gallery as a response to what they call "an alarming lack of culture" in town. The gallery struggled early on to book shows and find local artists, and had to set their sights a little lower than they had once intended to, resulting in exhibitions such as one featuring a Stanley Tucci elementary third grade class' "Turkey Hands."
But the Sokoloffs perservered and continued spreading the word over expensive luncheons and benefit dinners and after a time, artists from the region began popping up, clammering for their chance to get a show at the Sokoloff's little gallery on Broadway.
Now though, the public says maybe they made a mistake in allowing art to come to Chesterfield Ridge. Says local stay-at-home Linda Stockton, "At first it was cute, you know, you had the coffee shop putting books and magazines on the tables, a few of the restaurants had jazz bands play here and there. But now with this, it's like I don't even know what happened to my town. It's just not Christian. Now check out this Malotov action!"
Said another citizen, who asked to remain anonymous, "Ever since that art gallery opened everything's gone haywire: the days are getting shorter, the weather's been noticeably colder, and I even saw white flakes falling from the sky." He added, "God must be pretty angry with us."
Indeed, Chesterfield Ridge's once luxurious musk is smelling a little ranker to those who take enough care to notice. Skateboarding villains have been seen around the shopping plaza, and ever since the assault began on the Sokoloff's gallery, arson fires have been rampant on Broadway.
The events of the past few weeks have many questioning the Sokoloff's intentions in the first place. "Culture is dead in Chesterfield Ridge? Really?" said Bob Carr, local restaurateur. "Apparently the Sokoloffs have never been to the annual Stanley Tucci Thanksgiving Day pagent. What are they hiding anyway?"
And what does the artist herself have to say about all this? In an email to Our Town, she may or may not have written, "I'm a big stupid face. I poop in my pants." Disgusting.
At a press conference last Thursday in front of the Mayoral Condo, Thomas Allenbach told the press, "I lie awake at night wondering what causes someone to act out in such a gruesome and sublimely erotic manner?" He adjusted his Native American head dress and added, "Is anyone else kinda turned on right now?"
For now the only answers we have will come in the form of the smouldering remains of the Sokoloff's former Smut Factory and the comfort that comes from urinating on the sordid remains of "Untitled" numbers one through twenty.
