Local News
Scandal Rips Through Election, Startling Revelatory Revelation Revealed!
by Larry St. James, Our Town Staff
Last week Mayoral Candidate James Walker received an unpleasant surprise in the pages of this very periodical from none other than...himself? A full page color ad in last Wednesday's Our Town ran in which a photograph of James Walker appeared above an endorsement for incumbent Mayor Thomas Allenbach. The advertisement read:
Hi everyone, it's me, James Walker and, uh, I eat so much and am so stupid! Today I eated fifty hamburgers! How can you expect me to govern effectively when I have zero self control?
Following this brief statement was a bit of grammatically incorrect praise for Mayor Allenbach. It was an odd sight to be sure, but nobody thought anything of it. Except for James Walker himself.
"I was outraged and embarrassed. I immediately tried calling the newspaper office, but someone had conveniently severed by telephone wires. Why would I take out such an article? Who would do this?"
Who indeed. Early this morning we received a tip from an anonymous reader who pointed us in the direction of the original advertisement. Looking towards the bottom left hand corner of the Faux-Walker advertisement one can just barely detect, in the faintest of inks, "Paid for by the Campaign to Re-elect Thomas Allenbach."
Said Walker of the revelation, "That [expletive deleted]."
Why would Mayor Allenbach exercise such a lack of caution in what has been an otherwise tightly run administration? Mr. Allenbach was unavailable for comment, but many speculate that perhaps he was just tired. "When you have a legacy like his, what is it now, ten terms, you simply get bored after a while," said local school teacher Donald Ross. He added, "Maybe this was his way of saying goodbye."
Whatever his reasoning, Mr. Allenbach has burned every bridge in town with this act of false advertising. We contacted 8 year old Amanda Wells, the president of Chesterfield Ridge non-profit organization People For the Ethical Use of Advertising in Newspapers, Daily or Otherwise, otherwise known as PFTEUOAIN,DOO for her take on the scandal. In a pretty hand-written letter, Ms. Wells commented, "The whole thing stinks. P.U.!" She added, "XOXOXOXO."
Two weeks ago it seemed fairly certain that the election would come down to Walker and Allenbach, with an outside chance of Tony Shalhoub making a late run, but now with the events of the past week, the race is once again anyone's for the taking.
Anyone except Thomas Allenbach.
