Scared StraightTouch-down, Prison!
by Chuck Hassel
Greetings, Sports Nuts! Your old pal Chuck Hassel here. Now I know a lot of you are curious about the details surrounding my arrest and subsequent incarceration, and I want you to know that I appreciate your concern. Unfortunately, there isn't much to tell. It was all a misunderstanding, you see, involving another gentleman who was coincidentally named Chuck Hassel. What's more, is that he was using my credit card and social security number and ordering things that he didn't know were illegal, and having them shipped to my house. He went a little too far apparently and did some things he probably regrets, before flying the coop! So now I'm stuck with his bum rap and all I can do is just wait out his sentence.
In the meantime, whadya say we turn our focus to good old fashioned athleticism, hm?
My first day here, I'll admit, was a little bit on the "new" side: new faces, new places, new toilets. It was a lot like being a school boy again! I spent part of the day in our gymnasium, watching this fellow and that black man lift weights or "pump iron." Their muscles rippled with delight!
After being shown to my cell I got to work unpacking my things, which were few: just a toothbrush and some plastic toilet items like a cup and a toothbrush (I wonder if we get new ones every few months). My cellmates name is Jonothon. I know, strange spelling isn't it? When I asked him about that (he was very adament upon our initial meeting about the spelling of his name), he went kind of crazy and tried to smash my head into the metal bars on the cell. A misunderstanding, that's all. Apparently Jonothon is supposed to be by himself due to his violent tendancies. I guess whoever is in charge of this sort of thing made a clerical error.
After they moved me to a new cell (no roomie this time!) and bandaged my head up, it was time for recess. We all went out into the field, or quad if you will, and various games picked up: here a pair of burly men threw a baseball around, there a touch football game broke out, everywhere a sports game!
At first I milled about, shyly kicking dirt around and pretending not to notice the star athletes on the field. After about a half hour of this, a ball from one of the games landed by my feet. A colorful individual with body art came running up and I tossed him the ball. He said, "Hey, you want to join us?" I said, Sure, although I'm better at writing about sports than I am playing them. He said, "No kidding! Are you a sports writer?" Not wanting to reveal too much about my little skirmish with the law, I told him I was but that I didn't do so much writing anymore. We bid farewell to each other and, tuckered out, I returned to my cell early for a nap.
Only my first day and I had made a friend! Oh, and the food's not half bad either! LOL!
Next week, Chuck encounters some curious inmates.
