Local Reporter Suffers Existential Crisis
by Larry St. James, Emotionally Stable Senior Writer
Trevor Hopkins, local reporter for the disreputable rag The Chesterfield Courant*, suffered from an existential crisis according to eyewitnesses at the corner of Maple and Sunset where he was writing a story about the new stop sign that had been installed at this intersection (as covered previously by yours truly within these very pages).
“Oh God,” he was reported to have said, jaw hanging open, gazing lifelessly at the pavement in front of him. “Who am I? What am I doing here?”
the source of Hopkins' existential angst
Journalism experts pointed out that this could be the reason for the Courant’s strange silence on the issue that has gripped safety-watchers in Chesterfield Ridge. However, they also noted that the Courant’s lack of coverage might be chalked up to their reprehensibly sensationalistic reports on the leeches found in the recreation center’s pond—reporting (if it could be called that) which has clogged up their pages and blocked coverage of real issues.
“He was just kind of standing there, looking down,” eyewitness Shirley Gates told Our Town. “I heard him repeat the word ‘Pointless.’ And he would get real quiet for a while and then he would look at the stop sign and he would start saying ‘Pointless’ again.”
“He’s been going through a difficult time in his life,” said Hopkins’ mother Meredith from her Chesterfield Ridge home. “He worked hard to get through journalism school. He wanted to report on Capitol Hill. That was his dream.”
Hopkins was standing at the intersection for at least four minutes before a concerned citizen called police to report his suspicious behavior.
“When we approached him, we could see he was in a great deal of distress,” said Officer Tom Berrian, who was one of the first responders to the scene. “He was saying things like ‘There is no meaning in the world,’ and ‘My life has been a waste.’” Officers threw him to the ground and handcuffed him. Hopkins was released after four hours of questioning, during which he reportedly expressed a nihilistic hopelessness and broke down in tears.
Hopkins was unavailable for comment. The Chesterfield Courant has suspended him pending a psychological examination and reprogramming.
*It should be noted that the Courant only comes out once a week and therefore it is a weekly, not a daily, like Our Town. This means that technically speaking we are still the only real newspaper in Chesterfield Ridge. Additionally, our paper is delivered, their's is just left in a pile by the supermarket register. Pass the word.
-The Editor
by Larry St. James, Emotionally Stable Senior Writer
Trevor Hopkins, local reporter for the disreputable rag The Chesterfield Courant*, suffered from an existential crisis according to eyewitnesses at the corner of Maple and Sunset where he was writing a story about the new stop sign that had been installed at this intersection (as covered previously by yours truly within these very pages).
“Oh God,” he was reported to have said, jaw hanging open, gazing lifelessly at the pavement in front of him. “Who am I? What am I doing here?”
the source of Hopkins' existential angst
Journalism experts pointed out that this could be the reason for the Courant’s strange silence on the issue that has gripped safety-watchers in Chesterfield Ridge. However, they also noted that the Courant’s lack of coverage might be chalked up to their reprehensibly sensationalistic reports on the leeches found in the recreation center’s pond—reporting (if it could be called that) which has clogged up their pages and blocked coverage of real issues.
“He was just kind of standing there, looking down,” eyewitness Shirley Gates told Our Town. “I heard him repeat the word ‘Pointless.’ And he would get real quiet for a while and then he would look at the stop sign and he would start saying ‘Pointless’ again.”
“He’s been going through a difficult time in his life,” said Hopkins’ mother Meredith from her Chesterfield Ridge home. “He worked hard to get through journalism school. He wanted to report on Capitol Hill. That was his dream.”
Hopkins was standing at the intersection for at least four minutes before a concerned citizen called police to report his suspicious behavior.
“When we approached him, we could see he was in a great deal of distress,” said Officer Tom Berrian, who was one of the first responders to the scene. “He was saying things like ‘There is no meaning in the world,’ and ‘My life has been a waste.’” Officers threw him to the ground and handcuffed him. Hopkins was released after four hours of questioning, during which he reportedly expressed a nihilistic hopelessness and broke down in tears.
Hopkins was unavailable for comment. The Chesterfield Courant has suspended him pending a psychological examination and reprogramming.
*It should be noted that the Courant only comes out once a week and therefore it is a weekly, not a daily, like Our Town. This means that technically speaking we are still the only real newspaper in Chesterfield Ridge. Additionally, our paper is delivered, their's is just left in a pile by the supermarket register. Pass the word.
-The Editor
