by Larry St. James, Our Town Staff
Staney Tucci Middle School’s Back to School Dance was cut short Friday when Daniel K. Benson, better known as ‘DJ Dan’, spontaneously detonated a newfound gloomy philosophic outlook upon unsuspecting young dance-goers.
At approximately 8:40 P.M., Benson, who had “generally been acting goofy all night”, voluntarily left the building after a series of inappropriate comments and actions culminated in an outburst that was luckily suspended by the parents and teachers chaperoning the event. Following the incident, senior chaperone and vice-principal Doug Hastings decided to end the event an hour and twenty minutes early, ensuring students the next seasonal dance would run until 11 o’clock. As of press time, a permanent replacement DJ has not been named.
The usually laconic 26-year old had, up to that point, upheld a successful three-year relationship with Stanley Tucci. Children enjoyed his up-to-date catalog and admired his Hobbs tattoo, and parents and teachers enjoyed his penchant for wrapping things up before ten and honoring requests for radio-edits. But what was supposed to be an evening of innocent dancing and bubblegum pop turned into anything but when Benson began spewing unprovoked utterances about “nothingness” and “bad faith”, ultimately dismissing the existence of any higher power whatsoever in front of the 120 students in attendance.
Ironically enough, the night started on a whimsical note, when jocular Spanish teacher Senor Farphony was dragged onto the dance floor by fifth-grader Max Weeber. As the Lou Bega classic, “Mambo #5” started up, Farphony turned the joke on Weeber and started an incredulously inaccurate Macarena dance to the comic delight of all onlookers. Recalls Weeber’s mother Patricia, PTA treasurer who handled the admissions table: “The second Mr.[sic] Farphony stepped onto the floor, Marge Gruber and I turned to each other simultaneously and just shook our heads. This was going to be one of those nights!”
Things took a strange turn when an increasingly dour Benson instructed the audience to find a partner for the first slow-dance of the night. Witnesses reported hearing some kind of mumbling about “mine as well asking your dance partner to marry you”, followed by something to the effect of, “you can scour the earth and find no one who understands you”, followed still by incoherent utterances that sounded like German. Perhaps occupied by the looks of their blushing partners at Benson’s mention of marriage, most of the children seemed oblivious.
Astute, and some bilingual, the chaperones kept a cautious eye on the increasingly surly DJ, but kept to the perimeter of the gymnasium, hoping Benson was just blowing off a little steam. “We didn’t want to spoil the happy mood or ruin anyone’s great time,” said Hastings.
Then, in the middle of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” marking the energetic high point of the evening, the students’ screaming sing-along met silence as the music abruptly cut out. Walking out from behind the DJ booth, a desperate Benson directed his confusion at the children still frozen in dance. Strutting drudgingly across the baseline, he came across sixth-grader Michelle Burns, confused herself as to why Ms. Clarkson had stopped singing.
“It was terrible,” chaperone and 8th grade science teacher Greta Nichols lamented. “He smiled right at that crying girl and said, ‘God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.’”
A pin could be heard hitting the sneaker-scuffed basketball court as Benson continued, now maniacal: “Don’t any of you get it? It’s completely meaningless!” As Hastings and parent-chaperone Ken Doolittle signaled to each other and slowly began approaching him, witnesses say Benson “already looked defeated”, sitting down on the ground to aimlessly examine pieces of fallen red streamer as Doolittle calmly apprehended him.
Benson rejected Doolittle’s assistance and sluggishly escorted himself out of the gymnasium. Frightened children and relieved parents and teachers watched in still silence as he passed through the double-doors, grabbing a handful of black pepper Doritos from the snack table, crushing them into crumbs and vacantly letting them fall from his fist onto the linoleum tile.
Benson had apparently recently enrolled in two introductory philosophy classes at nearby Hampton County Community College after dropping out of SUNY Cortland six years ago. A friend and Hampton classmate reached for comment that asked he remain anonymous noted that while he would often see Benson carry around and feverishly mark up copies of Being and Nothingness and The Gay Science, by his suspicions, the budding philosopher was just, “wikipedia-ing sh*t”.
As the scene ended at around a quarter to nine, parents and teachers agreed that the children call their parents to tell them the dance would end early.
When school commenced the following Monday, it was announced that Benson would be officially relieved of his unofficial title as the ‘DJ of Stanley Tucci Middle School’. No replacement has been named.
