I Scream, You Scream, Girl Slain by Ice CreamTown Rallies Behind Slain Girl; "A tragedy" say Mayoral Candidates
by Kalifa Tauber, Our Town Staff*
In what many are calling Chesterfield Ridge's darkest day, local 18-year old Samantha "Sammy" Brown was hit
and killed by an ice cream truck in a gruesome hit-and-run early this morning. Officials have no leads but Police Chief Timothy Moorhouse says that this is case is "priority number one, right behind the new fridge we're getting in the HQ. We're getting a Sub-Zero the size of a friggin' bus."The event swirls with unanswered questions, like a soft serve cone of mystery: Why was Samantha on the streets at 5AM? What was an ice cream truck doing out so late in the year? These are a few of the questions that Moorhouse's men will have to answer if they have any hope of cracking this case.
Standing on the well-manicured lawn of their stately home, Samantha's parents Richard and Jane were visibly upset but composed as they fielded questions by reporters. "We're obviously still in shock, and I know it's going to take a long time for the pain to heal, if it ever does." Added her husband, "And while I have you all here, could you, you know, somewhere in the article, just plug my dealership? I'm planning on having some kind of grief sale. It's gonna be huge. The 'S' is for 'savings'...and 'Samantha.'" At this point both husband and wife broke down in tears and returned indoors.
Mayor Thomas Allenbach has called for a state of martial law, the second in as many months, but the ill-formed plan was quickly done away with by his advisors. Allenbach then called for a "total and complete ban" on ice cream, trucks and any combination thereof, but this decision was also stymied by election conscious staff members. Said Allenbach press secretary, "The Mayor was just kidding about all that stuff. He's got this dry sense of humor, you know? Hey, remember the time Mayor Allenbach threw that Fourth of July barbeque in the park? Remember that dunk tank? That was his idea."
The other nine mayoral candidates were quick to add their support to the already over-flowing support card. Speaking all at once in a barrage of sympathy, they managed to express their deepest regret. Said James Walker, "It is such a huge loss." Added Stanley Tucci, "Definitely. And more. So profound." Candidate Gary Smith offered, "When a young person loses their life in such a tragedy, people are often sad." This will surely be a big talking point at tonight's public debate, an event many said should have been rescheduled in light of today's devastating loss. But Mayor Allenbach held firm in his belief that life should go on as planned.
"I know it might seem callous to hold a debate tonight while so many of our own are hurting, but trust me, the best way to heal is by talking it over and then getting up tomorrow and going on that two-week trip that we couldn't reschedule. Metaphorically speaking."
Neighbors say that Samantha, known affectionately as Sammy by her friends, was an intelligent girl with a bright future. She stayed out of trouble and played field hockey. She served as student council president two years in a row and her even had several ethnic friends. In short, she was just a kid, living her life as best she knew how.
"Sammy was an amazing person," said self-described best friend Emma McDonald, "we would always talk on the phone. She loved soup so much."
As the town rallies behind Sammy, they also demand swift and fair judgement from their elected leaders, and this all starts with Chief Moorhouse. "Well, first we gotta find that ice cream truck, which shouldn't be too hard since there aren't too many around this time of year, and then we have to make sure that someone is in the station between 11 and 2 because the delivery guys from Best Buy are coming over with our new plasma screen. Our budget this year is like, whoa, we can't spend this stuff fast enough!"
*Our Town is an equal opportunity employer
