LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Believe what you hear about school bus driver
To the Editor:
I think I speak not only for myself but any and every parent in Chesterfield Ridge when I say that the well-being, happiness, and most important, safety of my children is of paramount importance. Every time my courageous little angel Jeffery leaves my watchful gaze in the secure confines of our home, I often find myself consumed by fear at the thought of all the danger that can confront him in this sick and crazy world. Perverts and child molesters. Marijuana and crystal meth. Rabid dogs and transsexuals. Of course, non-Christian fundamentalists. These are all givens, evils that we expect to encounter on a daily basis. But danger lurks in unexpected places, as I found out from my precious Jeffery the other day after he hopped off the school bus and ran into my loving grasp.
“Mommy,” he told me. “Bus driver Kip was acting all funny again today.” When I looked into his beaming eyes, like two shiny walnuts suspended in sockets carved out by the craftsman of heaven, I knew he had kept quiet about this for a long time. With further investigation, I found that this sick and disturbed man was breaking numerous Board of Education Transportation Code statutes, which I have listed for you below.
BETC Statute 3.01: “Driver will make all appropriate stops, and only those stops.”
Kip Brogan has made a series of inappropriate stops. For one, he skipped picking up Jeffery’s Jewish friend Michael Liebowitz when Michael told him days earlier that he was not going to school on account of Yom Kippur. While this is completely unacceptable, I’m sad to say it doesn’t stop there. Probing a series of reliable, unnamed sources, I found that Mr. Brogan regularly drives 45 minutes out of the way on the morning route to pick up prostitutes for him to have his A.M. jollies with, while driving a bus filled with children to school. What’s worse, when he’s through with them, I’ve learned that he violently shoves them out of the moving bus, sometimes moving at 90 miles an hour, my sources say. Luckily, Jeffery avoids hearing the poor wayward girl’s agonizing screams or Brogan’s demonic hooting, as he knows well to cover his ears when adults are having sexual intercourse.
BETC Statute 5.09: “Driver will act in an ethical and professional manner in the presence of children.”
Oh boy does Mr. Brogan shatter this rule. My little ice cream sundae told me when he was getting off the bus one afternoon, Bus Driver Kip looked sweaty and frazzled (probably high as a kite) and, when he accidentally got his finger caught in the door-opening lever, uttered the word “damn” at a high volume. If that wasn’t scarring enough to moldable youths, other children’s parents informed me that they heard from other people who know these kind of things that Archangel Kip hasn’t come into work not smelling of scotch in seven years. Worse, he blasts offensive heavy metal and hip-hop music at levels loud enough to make the eardrums bleed. Not surprisingly, I’m told he has a penchant for addressing the children with such colorful names as “Lil’ Captain F***tastic” and “Susie C***face”.
BETC Statute 8.05: “Above all, the driver should get children to the school safely.”
I thank my lucky stars and our Lord and Savior that my brave, tender and delicate little lifelike doll of fleshly perfection has made it this far. Like most drug addicts and sex offenders, Kip Brogan is a depressed man with no meaning in his sad existence. As a result, he has attempted reckless suicide, using the bus, a number of times. In light of a street closing on Greenway Terrace, Brogan took the bus off-route and onto a semi-paved gravelly road to bypass the detour. What he won’t tell you is that he rolled by the construction site and slaughtered every worker with a shotgun. When a police officer responded to the call, the savage murdered him too, bludgeoning his skull with a fire extinguisher. Speeding from the scene, he progressed to jumping onto the roof of the bus, pouring gasoline on it and lighting it ablaze, and setting his course on the nearest orphanage. Luckily, his black soul got the best of him, and he retreated to the back of the bus, crawled into a fetal position, and wept like a coward. Two brave children managed to extinguish the fire (without aforementioned extinguisher, I might add) and stop the bus just in time to save the orphans.
I hope these egregious acts of evil have convinced you enough that Mr. Kip Brogan needs to be terminated immediately. Although Jeffery will get his license next month, the thought of this detestable excuse for a human being continuing to drive other innocent children to school would keep me up nights. I hope this letter will inform and encourage others to join me and take appropriate action against this heathen.
Laura Whitney
Chesterfield Ridge
