Mayor-Elect K. Tired of Waiting for Inauguration, Seizes Power in Bloodless Mock Coup
Adorable, Little Frame Belies Deep-Seeded Hate, Rage Issues Claim Jealous Dissenters
by Larry St. James
Mayor-Elect Horace Kvscheznowski, weeks after his surprise election-night triumph, grew tired of waiting out Former Mayor Thomas Allenbach’s lame duck government and seized power for himself in a mock coup d’etat organized by supporters of Kvscheznowski at City Hall.
Said City Hall organizer Robert Thomson, “We just think the world of Horace. Just the sweetest guy. We also have to be respectful of his culture, of where he comes from. And if all he knows is leadership by violent rule, then goddamnit who am I to pop his bubble?”
“I grow tired of waiting for Mr. Allencook [sic] to step down and make way for me new power,” said Kvscheznowski in an address broadcast throughout the town. “So now I am the Mayor and I am to make the things I want to do for I am winning of Mayor!”
The coup began early Monday morning, when our cute and snuggly new mayor, aided by local goons-for-hire, kidnapped an Allenbach look-a-like, a local actor named Marc Schneider, who was on his way to “work.” He then tied “the Mayor” up, threw him in a sack and drove him to City Hall, where earlier that morning a makeshift gallows had been constructed by volunteers.
“I now want to be the Mayor now!” K announced to a small crowd, one that included Mayor Allenbach’s beautiful wife and two children, Stacey and Bradford. The family of our former Mayor had agreed to play along under the condition that the Mayor be cleared of any past wrongdoing, clearly referring to the false ads Allenbach ran regarding political opponent James Walkers’ weight.
“As a show to see how you will do what I say, I will now do away with my prisoner.” The Allenbach impersonator was then hanged, to the mock shock of everyone present. Exaggerated gasps and cartoonish screams of “Oh, no!” filled the early morning air, and a fake news crew pretended to record the events with an imaginary camera. The actor playing Mr. Allenbach seemed to die swiftly and with a sense of purpose.
Chesterfield Ridgalians are handling the new shift in power with their typical grace and self-assurance. “It will be good to get some change around here in City Hall,” said local businesswoman Sherry Crystal, standing in the shadows of the stern new statue of Mayor Kvscheznowski on Main Street. “It’s about time those fat-cat incumbents had the fear of God put into them.”
Chester Witherton, another entrepreneur-about-town expressed ambivalence. “I don’t really follow local politics,” he said. “But I like this new Horace guy. He’s so cute, ain’t he?”
The cute little Mayor wasted no time outlining the plans for the town under his leadership. “When I was in Soviet prison, I learned how the running of a state should be done to do. I will hang my political prisoners and suppress free speech and those who do no want to live in my new town will be hang as well too.” His wrinkled little face betrayed an adorable little smile. “I like being of mayor, I think. Better than being sporting writer.”
It's just one Hallmark moment after another with Mayor K.
Notice: A short memorial service for Marc Schneider will be held this Thursday at the Taco Bell on Blanford Street. Attire: Country-club casual.
