Ou-To Op-EdMy Tunneling Machine Is Really Coming Along!
by Jack Habishaw, Mayoral Candidate
I am by no means a genius. Sure, I've managed to make millions through clever and insightful investing, but when it comes to science, my friends will be the first ones to tell you that I'm kind of on the dense side. That's why I'm so jazzed about my latest project, a tunneling machine that will lead the way for our new underground country.
Not only does the darned thing actually work, but I even managed to build it entirely by myself. It's a real coup!
My first act as Mayor/Prime Minister of Chesterfield Ridgetonia 3000 will be to appoint Michael Anthony Fall, upon whose concept my plan is based, Vice Mayor. Man, talk about genius! His outline was all the motivation I needed to invest millions of my own dollars into a project that most people called "insane." And maybe they're right, but then again, wasn't Einstein considered insane when he figured out all the stuff he managed to figure out? And weren't the Wright Brothers criticized for trying to fly? Well it's over 100 years later, and if someone called the Wright Brothers crazy, someone'd turn right around and call them crazy!
My drilling machine is based on a design from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lunch box I saw in Wal-Mart: on the front is a big sort of cork-screw piece of metal that works the same way a screw works. As the piece rotates, dirt and bedrock are pierced, cracked, and then pushed to the side. The machine has tank tracks to keep it steady, and is painted camo-green for the ultimate intimidation factor. If any of those poor people somehow beat us to it, and get there first, one look at our machine and they'll go running home to their mommas.
For good measure I purchased some rockets from some arms dealers I know and attached those suckers on the sides. "What's that poor person? You want to call a truce and live amongst us in peace?" KA-BOOM! He's dead! One thing I learned from Michael is that you cannot trust poor people. They want to hurt you and they'll do anything to gain your trust. One day you turn you back and SHINK!--you've been stabbed in the back by a poor person in hand-me-down sheep's clothing.
The engine is also a little treat purchased from said businessmen. I've installed two twin Rolls-Royce jet engines, giving my machine a total of 2,000 horsepower. Hell, if the front piece gets jammed, we'll have enough power to just drive straight to the Earth's core! And don't worry about me digging too far, I bought a couple of thermometers at the store to prevent me from going all the way to the center: when the temperature reaches a certain point, I'll just cut the engine and begin digging out our new country!
I figure I'll need about two weeks to get deep enough, and then another week or so to dig out enough space so that Chesterfield Ridgeonia can have ample park land and swimming pools. You like swimming pools, dontcha? As an added safety measure to our bank, get this: underwater safes. We put our money in underwater, airtight caverns, so that if anyone ever comes looking for our treasures, they'll have to grow gills to find them! Now I know that you're thinking, and don't worry, I've got it all figured out: we outlaw fish. We don't need no stupid gill-mongers snooping around our stash.
My second act as Mayor/Intergalactic Leader will be to announce every day Rich Day, where the wealthy can gather and celebrate their collective and individual wealth as well as to remember those wealthy who passed during the long and arduous journey to Chesterfield Ridgeonia.
Once I hollow out enough Earth to house all of us, our money, and our stuffs, I'll come back to the Earth's surface and we can begin the orderly process of sliding down miles and miles of rocky tunnel, one at a time, to our new home! Kiss sunlight goodbye, people, I'm talking about going downtown to Funkytown!
Anyway, my machine is almost ready to go, just a few more bitchin' layers of camo paint and I'll be all set! Stay tuned fellow citizens, and behold a true genius at work!
