TECHNO-WATCH WITH HORACE KVSCHEZNOWSKI
When Blaise Pascal first created his mechanized adding machine, he believed that combining two integrals were the extent of its powers. And for thousands of years, he was right. But now, computing machines--or, as they are known by the techno-savvy, “Compute-Tors,” are blazing new trails of mathematics and personal use heretofore unbeknownst to even most intrepid of scientists.
When I was working as scientist at Groznyy Nuclear Facility in Soviet Russia, we used mechanized numeral addifiers to make only the most complex of calculations. If the sum of our equations was anything larger than seventeen, the machine would take hours to finish its calculations, emitting gallons of smog and low-grade radioactive discharge in the process. Often, the calculations would come to a halt because the cranky machine would demand more coal before it could finish the job. And it was almost four times larger than my dead mother’s cottage in back in the Ukrainian countryside.
But today, all that is thing that is past. I spoke to Best Buy computer specialist called “Brian” and ask him what he think of these new technological advances.
“Yeah, computers can do anything,” he says to me at his nearby Best Buy location in mall. “This thing has wireless high-speed Internet access so you can check your email at the coffee shop.” He show me a single Compute-Tor the size of the window in my cell at the Soviet detention facility at which I was held from the 1962 until now.
When I was in prison, I long dreamed of improving mechanized adding machines. I worked on diagrams for year and year. When the War with Americans ended and all prisoners were released, I thought this is finally my day to build a new mechanized adding machine, but the guards forgot my cell and I remained, subsisting on rock, dust and the stringy flesh of my comatose (but still breathing) cellmate until 2006 when abandoned prison burned down. I escape to America and write this column so I could tell the world about my new advances, but alas, time has passed me by it seem.
“This is Compute-Tor?” I ask.
“Yeah, man. Have you been living on the moon for the past five decades?”
It really is as if we live on the moon today, which may not be so far off I hear anyhow! But will we actually find Compute-Tors on the moon? And will they do amazing things like play игра в карты (or “Solitaire”) like amazing “Brian’s” at Best Buy? Only time will tell.
