Public Debate Thrills Several, Mystery 10th Revealed!
by Katherine Mills, Our Town Staff
In what was the latest volley in the ongoing battle for the Mayorship, all ten of the Mayoral candidates gathered for Chesterfield Ridge's first public debate in almost two decades. It was a hard fought evening, uneven and roughly hewn, and while each candidate had moments of brilliance, they were coupled with moments of utter mediocrity. At times the room burst with a cacophony of political opinioning, only to be followed by what seemed like hours of awkward silence.
And although the evening was a success in terms of event organizing, no clear winner emerged from the scuffle. Everyone had their fair share of floor time, from incumbent Mayor Thomas Allenbach to the misguided and out-of-place Horace K. The debate was fierce and included shouting and finger pointing and accusatory tones.
Besides the promise of lively public debate, the event was heavily promoted with the mystery tenth candidate as a main draw. As candidates duked it out in front of a smallish crowd, this reporter could not stop her mind from wandering to thoughts of the unmasking. Who could it be? I could hardly wait.
It was announced early in the evening that the mystery tenth candidate would be revealed at the midpoint of the debate. As the candidates went on and on, this one about his tunneling device, that one about the struggles of being a mother of three while balancing a career in non-profits, the various opinions and catch phrases began to melt together. Finally the moderator, local jeweler Burge Masoyan, stopped the debate (cutting off a putter-wielding James Walker mid-sentence) and called time.
The lights dimmed and a heretofore unnoticed spotlight flicked on. Mr. Masoyan announced in his rich baritone, "Ladies and gentleman of Chesterfield Ridge, please welcome to the debating room, your tenth mayoral candidate, Mr. Tony Shalhoub!" There was a moment of indescribable suspense as there was no sign of Mr. Shalhoub, and Mr. Masoyan disappeared behind the coat rack. When he reemerged, he let out a relieved smile and just a second later, out popped Tony Shalhoub himself!
The fading audience was sparked back into attention as the co-star of the hit film Big Night made his way to the center podium (while most of the audience recognized the Monk star immediately, some were unimpressed and dozed back to sleep). He made his way past the other nine candidates, by now yesterday's dirty diapers, shaking each of their hands, making a special photo-op layover with his Big Night co-star and friend Stanley Tucci. The room nearly imploded as these two stars of the screen collided.
He lightly stepped up to the podium, his movie-star presence filling the room and tapped the mic, joking, "Is this thing on?" He then raised his hands for quiet, donned a pair of spectacles, and began speaking in that rich, dairy voice of his. "Hello everyone. I want you all to know that I have many good ideas for this town. For example, how about a chain of Monk-themed restaurants? You know, the wait staff would all have these different neuroses, and there'd be a crime to solve with each meal--or each night might be better, less storylines to come up with. But you get the idea. But despite my many good ideas for this town, I came here tonight to announce that I am withdrawing from the race, and will instead spend the next few weeks helping my good friend Stanley Tucci run for mayor!"
At this point Mr. Tucci joined Mr. Shalhoub at the podium and the two embraced, revealing that they were in cahoots the entire time. Consider us duped, fellas! Then the two mega-stars launched into a hilarious bit of schtick based on their characters Primo and Secondo from Big Night. Classic. After a few minutes of this, Mr. Shalhoub went around to the remaining eight candidates, shook all their hands one last time, and then left with his extremely plain-looking wife.
The debate then resumed although it was clear that the night's unofficial winner had already been chosen in the collective and underachieving mind of the audience. The recurring topic for the second half of the evening seemed to be the future of Chesterfield Ridge. Jack Habishaw was overly eager to discuss his extensive plans for an underground resort community of sorts, producing several crudely executed sketches of a device he repeatedly referred to as a "digging and tunneling robot machine." He went over on his time on several instances, prompting a flustered Mr. Masoyan to finally issue a piercing ultimatum: Shut up or leave.
After Habishaw calmed down, talks resumed, with Sherry Lipton taking the spotlight as she outlined her very impressive plan to dramatically reform the infrastructure of the town's government. Among her more impressive and daring plans, Lipton stressed her belief that raising taxes for those who could more than afford it would, in the long run, benefit the town by creating a large surplus in the town budget. Yet despite her eloquent time on the floor, the other candidates shunned her, pretending to be asleep by miming sleepy time poses, mugging, and producing exaggerated snoring sounds. Even the ultra-serious Number Six got in on the act, doodling a series of Zzzs coming out of a sound bubble on a piece of cardboard and holding it up over his head.
As the debate crept well past its scheduled time and into Friday morning, the coherent and thoughtful facade gave way to a lewd spectacle, with several candidates storming out in anger. In one particularly heated exchange, Mr. Allenbach accused Mr. Walker of holding a double standard on his policy towards the working class. In a response that characterized much of the "debate" past the midnight hour, Mr. Walker responded by dropping his pants and imitating what can only be described as a sick goat in heat, complete with barnyard bathroom noises.
For the remainder of the once-promising evening, candidates continued to berate each other, and at one point Mr. Masoyan pretended to be popular television actor Wilmer Valderrama and coaxed the candidates into a round of "Yo Momma" jokes. At around 2AM it was clear that nothing of any importance was to come of the rest of the evening, and all present agreed to just call it quits.
Far from leaving a bad taste in the citizens' collective gullet, those in attendance seemed to actually enjoy the night's festivities, although it was clear that very few in the audience fully understood the concept of a public debate. Said local female Suzanne Mesky, "I thought it was pretty good, especially when that guy from Men in Black came out and hugged the guy from Maid in Manhattan." Obviously she had never been privy to a political debate, nor seen Big Night. Said another spectator (and voter-to-be come November), 18 year old Anthony James, "When the old guy pretended he was [expletive removed] Allenbach's wife I almost puked I was laughing so hard. That guy's a riot."
It seems that the night's only real failure was its ability to attract a larger audience. Not only will this have unforeseen effects on the outcome of the November election as hundreds of citizens will be voting blind, but the absence also left quite a mess on Town Hall building manager and event organizer Timothy Blanford's hands. "I figured on around 100 people coming, maybe 80, somewhere in that ballpark, so I order a couple cases of Hot Pockets. A friend of mine's a supplier for the company that makes 'em, so I paid what he pays. Anyway, each case has like 50 Hot Pockets in it, so I toss in two cases, figuring that's about two per person. You should've seen my face when I realized that the ten people that showed up would be it. There's no way that few people could eat all those Hot Pockets, even if you gave 'em all night. What am I going to do with all these Hot Pockets?"
In the words of Big Night's Secondo: "Mama mia!"
