Breaking NewsANTHROPOMORPHIZED CAT ARMY ATTACK EMINENT!
Young prophet has vision in art class
A third-grade female student at Stanley Tucci Elementary has foreseen what she calls "a kitty cat army man" and what experts believe to be a "kitty cat general or commander." The student, seven year-old Rachel Miller seems to have had a vision while attending Ms. Emelia Roth's second period art class. Ms. Roth's class had almost come to a close when Ms. Miller presented Ms. Roth with her work. Roth says that Wednesdays are "free-form day" where no limitations or requirements are placed on the children's work for that class period. Upon seeing Ms. Miller's picture, Roth asked the child what it meant. "It's a kitty cat army man" said Ms. Miller. Ms. Roth then asked where she had seen the kitty. "In my head," replied Miller. Roth then asked the children to wait for a moment and quickly headed over to Principal Joanna Beardman's office.
Says Beardman, "I was in a meeting when in bursts Emelia. The look on her face told me our worst dreams were about to come true." All of our worst dreams, it would turn out.
Eighth grade biology professor Herman Doyle warns that for "years" prophets and holy men have spoken of a kitty cat army or organization leading what he calls the "final assault in the battle between man and feline." He notes: "What's interesting is that it has long been scientific fact that cats cannot speak the human tongue due to their jaw construction and larynx. But in this small child's portrait, it does appear that this kitty cat general has the ability to speak a variety of languages, English among them."
Ms. Miller adds that her kitty cat general is named Mr. Peebles and that, while she cannot be entirely certain, Peebles is capable of flight. "Also," adds the small wonder with a giggle, "he eats pee pee."
According to physical education instructor Mike DelFino, a being that could sustain life on a diet of its own excrementory materials would need very little food outside of what it produces naturally. From a tactical standpoint, this would make for a very dangerous enemy combatant. While soldiers on one side stopped to refuel, a kitty cat army fueled by its own urine would simply charge ahead without rest. The eating process could be streamlined even further with the use of a catheter-like straw apparatus.
While there is no way of knowing when the attack will come, the Chesterfield Ridge Police Department has been busy fortifying the town. A moat is being constructed around the town border ("It was on the agenda anyway," said Lt. Steven Ames) in an attempt to stop the supposed hydro-phobic kitten army from entering town. However, these are no guarantees that the moat will prove effective as Miller did not know whether or not the entire kitten army could fly as their leader. Nets would be necessary in order to stop an areal attack, but by the time we could confirm their flying powers, it would be too late.
Other defense elements include what one townsman calls "guns." The theory here is that a kitten army would be susceptible to metal bullets penetrating their flesh. Counterpoint, Mr. Fimble, the head of Stanley Tucci High School's Science department: "If the cats can consume their own blood as they consume urine, they will most likely recycle their plasma. Plus, there's no real way of knowing whether these kittens have hearts or not. In this case, only a shot to their tiny kitty cat sized cerebral cortex would slow them down."
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An additional element that has gripped many in panic is Mr. Peebles' ability to walk upright. For years humans have prided themselves on being the only species to walk upright (in fact, the phrase homo erectus actually means just that). Depending on the agility of this new kitten army, humans may have competition in the upright department form here on out in running contests, such as those seen in our Olympic games.
The final and most terrifying aspect of Miller's sketch, and the one that has come under the most scrutiny, is the small item in Mr. Peebles' right hand. Is Peebles merely affecting the posture of so many a general before him by holding a cigar? Or is the item a flag, indicating his allegiance to another government, or possibly even a terrorist organization. One thing is certain: it is not a white flag of surrender.
Further, the hand itself. Closer inspection reveals that Peebles' hand resembles those of a human or a monkey, although there is no sign of an opposable thumb. This seems to suggest to experts that one of our own has been cross-breeding with Peebles and his army, either forcefully as a sex slave, or, most shockingly, as a willing participant. Ms. Miller was unavailable for further comment as she was being held in a sensory deprivation tank in the basement of her parents' home.
Many have pointed out that the kitten army could very well turn out to be a kind and peaceful race. Others suggest that perhaps the medallions are mere decoration, but these theories seem unlikely due to Mr. Peebles' lengthy, ragged tail, and his race's apparent skill with shoe making. Traditionally, civilizations gifted in leather work have tended to be the most violent. And that's just math, dear readers.
Police officials are asking that everyone remain calm. Volunteer services will be available at Our Lady of Peace around the clock for those who need counseling or escorts (sexual encounters will be limited to heavy petting).
Stay tuned to Our Town as more information becomes available.
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GOD BLESS CHESTERFIELD RIDGE!
