98% of Chesterfield Ridge Citizens Fear Horrific Death Says Poll
Two percent "did not understand question"
by Kalifa Tauber
An Our Town poll revealed today that 98% of Chesterfield Ridge citizens fear a horrific death, such as bear attack, starvation, or being burned alive. The poll is the latest in a series of Our Town polls meant to help readers understand the world they live in as well as help spark important conversations.
In recent polls, topics covered topics from religion and gay marriage to Charlie Rose and rock and roll music ("too loud" said one polled citizen). Yet today's poll was the first in which a definitive majority stood behind one opinion.
"I lie in bed at night sometimes and I think, 'What if a meteor crashed through my roof? What would happen to everyone I love?'" said a one Mark Johnson of Terrace Ct.
His wife Anne Marie agreed, adding, "I have this recurring nightmare where I'm torn to pieces by a bomb strapped to my chest. It would be like human shrapnel. Just terrible."
While 98% responded with certainty to the poll, a stunning two percent of the 150 participants were undecided, either due to confusion over the question ("Is this a threat?" said one)
or a lack of motor skills required to form an articulate answer (apparently babies make for really poor poll participants).
Local Stanley Tucci High School psychology teacher Bryan Mellewski summed up the importance of the poll as a "social indicator," one that would allow people to face their deepest concerns. "Ultimately," he said, "this test shows that nobody wants to have their face smashed in with a hammer before some lunatic pours gasoline on you and burns you alive in front of your family."
Next Our Town poll: "Should Radioactive Spider-People Be Allowed to Babysit Our Kids?"
Two percent "did not understand question"
by Kalifa Tauber
An Our Town poll revealed today that 98% of Chesterfield Ridge citizens fear a horrific death, such as bear attack, starvation, or being burned alive. The poll is the latest in a series of Our Town polls meant to help readers understand the world they live in as well as help spark important conversations.
In recent polls, topics covered topics from religion and gay marriage to Charlie Rose and rock and roll music ("too loud" said one polled citizen). Yet today's poll was the first in which a definitive majority stood behind one opinion.
"I lie in bed at night sometimes and I think, 'What if a meteor crashed through my roof? What would happen to everyone I love?'" said a one Mark Johnson of Terrace Ct.
His wife Anne Marie agreed, adding, "I have this recurring nightmare where I'm torn to pieces by a bomb strapped to my chest. It would be like human shrapnel. Just terrible."
While 98% responded with certainty to the poll, a stunning two percent of the 150 participants were undecided, either due to confusion over the question ("Is this a threat?" said one)
or a lack of motor skills required to form an articulate answer (apparently babies make for really poor poll participants).
Local Stanley Tucci High School psychology teacher Bryan Mellewski summed up the importance of the poll as a "social indicator," one that would allow people to face their deepest concerns. "Ultimately," he said, "this test shows that nobody wants to have their face smashed in with a hammer before some lunatic pours gasoline on you and burns you alive in front of your family."
Next Our Town poll: "Should Radioactive Spider-People Be Allowed to Babysit Our Kids?"
