Man, I could be mayor
by local teen Jared Thorpe
As a sixteen year old living in a quiet suburb like Chesterfield Ridge, I know all about living with teenage angst. It can get pretty dull around here. This is especially true for those of us who have parents with disposable incomes. Sure, we’re indulged in every possible way, but where does this get us? How long can I really be entertained by an electric guitar or a Xbox or a parrot? So they break or die or simply collect dust in a corner and our existential longing continues. We’ll I’ve had enough of it.
That’s why want to run for Mayor in our upcoming election. I’ve got nothing against the guy. Hell, I don’t even know the guy’s name. This isn’t about a change in governance or an important new policy. I’m just bored as shit. And I think becoming mayor could help all that. When I heard that mystery guy was entering the race, I figured, why not? I’m better than some nobody. Plus, it’s kinda cool, like something out of the WWE.
I’m sure all of you at Stanley Tucci High can sympathize me. There are only so many games of beer pong to be played, so many mailboxes to be hit with baseball bats, so many fat girls to make fun of. I’ve done all that and I’m still stuck in this pit of a town until I can join the military. I need something more. I need a position in our town’s government. That way I can do all kinds of weird shit, like appoint my friends to cushy jobs or fine my asshole science teacher Mr. Baranski for no real reason.
I know what you’re saying. “You can’t vote. How can you be mayor?” Don’t worry. I actually researched this shit. I read the town charter. I can't get on the ballot, but I can run a write-in campaign. As long as I never committed a crime or married outside of my race, I’m fine. Look it up.
So what are my positions as mayor? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll raise taxes one day and lower them the next and raise them again the day after that. Whatever entertains me. I think I’ll make it mandatory for Kari Winchester to make out with me every morning, or face the penalty of six months in jail. And if you vote for me, I’ll give you money. Or a free hat, or something. My dad owns a sporting goods store and we sell a lot of hats, so I might be able to hook you up. I don’t know, no promises or anything, but I’ll try.
So anyway, it would be cool if you vote for me. It would be cool for me anyway. I’m gonna be honest with you; I don’t know how it would turn out for you, but I’d enjoy it. I don’t know, that’s all I got.
