A New Mayor Is Needed to Maintain the Status Quo
by Mayoral candidate Gary Smith
I’ve been on the campaign trail for almost four hours now, and I keep hearing the same thing. “Gee, Mr. Smith. I’ve been reading your campaign literature and it seems you have a lot in common with our incumbent Mayor Allenbach. Why are you even running for mayor?”
That’s a good question, Mary Jane. And the answer is simple. Sure, Mayor Allenbach is doing a great job meeting the challenges of running a bustling little town like Chesterfield Ridge. In fact, if pressed, I wouldn’t ask him to change a thing. But there’s one thing Mayor Allenbach isn’t, and that’s me. And I want to be mayor!
When it comes to policy, Mayor Allenbach and I are almost identical. In fact, we’re completely identical. It’s uncanny, really. Compare our policies. Everything from parks and rec (more funding) to income tax (deep cuts) to favorite soda (Diet Pepsi). We’re identical, except in one respect. He’s him and I’m me. And he’s been mayor already and it’s my turn!
But, of course, this begs the question. “If you’re really identical, Gary, and since Mayor Allenbach’s been doing such a bang-up job, why should we elect you instead?” Again, a fine question, Jimothy. And I have a simple answer for that as well. As public defender, I have access to a lot of files and a lot of records. More than Mayor Allenbach even. I know a lot of bad shit, people. I knew Chuck Hassel was a pedophile before he knew it. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. John Morgan of 1414 Deerfield Way? Beats his wife. But around the stomach, so you can’t see the bruises. I can go all day people.
So in conclusion: it is vital for our wonderful town to maintain the status quo. This gives you two options. Vote for the stellar mayor you have, or vote for the guy who will reveal all your secrets if he loses (though a sizeable campaign contribution could ensure your safety in any event). Vote Gary Smith.
by Mayoral candidate Gary Smith
I’ve been on the campaign trail for almost four hours now, and I keep hearing the same thing. “Gee, Mr. Smith. I’ve been reading your campaign literature and it seems you have a lot in common with our incumbent Mayor Allenbach. Why are you even running for mayor?”That’s a good question, Mary Jane. And the answer is simple. Sure, Mayor Allenbach is doing a great job meeting the challenges of running a bustling little town like Chesterfield Ridge. In fact, if pressed, I wouldn’t ask him to change a thing. But there’s one thing Mayor Allenbach isn’t, and that’s me. And I want to be mayor!
When it comes to policy, Mayor Allenbach and I are almost identical. In fact, we’re completely identical. It’s uncanny, really. Compare our policies. Everything from parks and rec (more funding) to income tax (deep cuts) to favorite soda (Diet Pepsi). We’re identical, except in one respect. He’s him and I’m me. And he’s been mayor already and it’s my turn!
But, of course, this begs the question. “If you’re really identical, Gary, and since Mayor Allenbach’s been doing such a bang-up job, why should we elect you instead?” Again, a fine question, Jimothy. And I have a simple answer for that as well. As public defender, I have access to a lot of files and a lot of records. More than Mayor Allenbach even. I know a lot of bad shit, people. I knew Chuck Hassel was a pedophile before he knew it. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. John Morgan of 1414 Deerfield Way? Beats his wife. But around the stomach, so you can’t see the bruises. I can go all day people.
So in conclusion: it is vital for our wonderful town to maintain the status quo. This gives you two options. Vote for the stellar mayor you have, or vote for the guy who will reveal all your secrets if he loses (though a sizeable campaign contribution could ensure your safety in any event). Vote Gary Smith.
