Why I'd Make a Terrific Mayorby Stanley Tucci, Mayoral Candidate
Hello everyone, or should I say, ciao, as they do in my native tongue? Well, not my actual native tongue, I mean, I was born in Peekskill for God's sake, but the native tongue of the character I play in Big Night, Secondo.
On the note of my origin, I'd like to point out how remarkable my Hollywood success story is given my background: a young kid from upstate New York goes on to become a Hollywood tastemaker? Remarkable.
For example, there's a scene in Big Night, a film which I co-wrote as well as co-directed, in which myself and my onscreen brother Primo (played by my good friend and fellow Emmy Award winning actor Tony Shalhoub) are talking in Italian about our home country and about the restaurant. It's a powerful scene depicting the challenge that we as actors had to go through in order to convincingly play these characters. I mean, for Chrissakes, I'm from Peekskill, not Italy! And take Tony, he's friggin Iraqi or something, although he was born in Wisconsin I think. Come to think of it, he'd make a great Vice-Mayor.
But back to me and why I would make a great mayor. As an actor, my training is in front of the camera, okay? Yet just from being around directors and writers, I was able to write and direct a movie! Did I mention that Big Night ended up winning a pretty significant amount of awards from circles like the London Critics Group and Sundance?
The same applies for my bid for mayor. Have I ever held public office? No. Does this mean I, Stanley Tucci, would make for a bad mayor? Heck no! In fact, I would make an excellent mayor as many of my friends are in various government positions. This proximity I have to such figures allows me to absorb their knowledge and, yes, even skill, the same way I did with writing and directing. In short, I'd make an excellent mayor.
Do I have plans for the town? Of course I do; many. Some big, some small. But my biggest and most important plan is for a chain of Big Night-themed restaurants, with the flagship being right here in good old Chesterfield Ridge. I can picture it now--the premiere would have Ian Holm, in character, as Pascal, and maybe even some of the extras from the film milling about, mingling with guests. Many of these extras have appeared in projects like The Sopranos and Goodfellas. I sure bet they have some stories to tell. Maybe for like a hundred bucks apiece, I could have a character actor do a bit of schtick from one of their famous projects. But hey, I'm just thinking aloud here.
Point is, a chain of Big Night-themed restaurants is an almost guaranteed hit. Who didn't love the film's orgy of food? The timbale? I'd personally make it myself. You have any idea how hard that is to make? It's like souffle, I mean, as delicate and all, but twice as hard to make because you're assembling all these ingredients, working against the clock the entire time. Talk about pressure. Compared to making timbale, running Chesterfield Ridge would be a piece of cake, or as they say in Italian, torta.
So why Chesterfield Ridge, you ask? Easy. It's a friendly place with a great tradition of values and friendship. Plus the property taxes are ridiculously low. I mean like retarded low. Have you guys ever wondered why this is? Whatever the answer, I'm not planning on any big change-ups. Plus, it's relative proximity to New York City is perfect for an actor like myself. Not only can I perform in big Hollywood productions, such as Big Night, but I can also shrink my persona to fit even the smallest off-Broadway production. In acting, guys, less is definitely more.
And I dunno, maybe I could even set up some sort of actors' workshop in my Mayoral manse. I've worked with Hollywood heavyweights such as Richard Gere, Minnie Driver, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Robbie Coltrane, and many others. Talk about absorption. During the filming of Lucky Number Slevin, me and Morgan Freeman would just talk shop and man, did I get some great stories out of that guy. Compared to acting alongside such heavyweights, running Chesterfield Ridge would be a piece of timbale!
Also, let's not forget all that money I gave a few years back to help build Stanley Tucci High School. An odd way to spend money, I know, but I had just made a boatload from residual checks and man, I just couldn't spend that stuff fast enough. I made some mistakes, sure, but who hasn't? I mean, am I right? But one thing I will not do is apologize for my past, so you can just forget that.
So why not vote for me to run your town? To recap: I'm a fast learner, a great Italian-American character actor (and sometimes lead), and I still run up to 20 miles a week, working with a trainer on every odd day, which has been very beneficial as I near the big FIVE-OH (I'm 46 now, but everyone tells me I look 30). Also, think about it, my restaurant chain? It'd be huge. It's bring so much business to this town, I'm practically getting richer thinking about it. Seriously.
Thanks for your time. Or should I say, grazie for your time?
