Fall Sports Kick-Off with Horace Kvscheznowski
Because of multiple restraining orders and a severe jail sentence, Chuck Hassel will no longer be covering high school sports for Our Town (he will, however, cover the prison-yard athletics to which he will soon become acustom). In his place until the strength to find a replacement can be mustered, our very own Horace Kvscheznowski. -The Editor
The Athletic Event
Sub-division 1: 49 game units
Sub-division 2: 36 game units
So I suppose you will be wanting to know about the event I attended last evening. First, it was held in a large wooded auditorium similar to the imposing interrogation room at my former prison. Many spectators gathered to watch along with me. I am a big celebrity now I suppose. A joke.
There were two opposing factions, each with their own set of costumery. Now Sub-division 1, let's call them, would take a ball and toss it to and fro amongst children wearing similar colors. If they did not toss the ball, they could move individually, but in order to do this, they were required to bounce the ball. Bouncing the ball allowed them to travel distances.
When they did not bounce the ball as they are running, a jailer would shout at them and award the other faction, sub-division 2, temporary ownership of the ball. The object, as far as I could tell, was to toss the ball against a piece of window. If the ball fell into the hoop, the team who is shooting was punished with Offense Units. What is curious to me is that despite the harm these offense units would provide to the team's achievement in victory, the Commander of the team would shout happily upon such an instance. In the end, the team with the higher score loses or some such idea. That said, it was all very tiring and confusing.
Every so often the teams would run away and hide. While others went to locate them, harlequins would appear and attempt flight as their friends threw them into the air. It was terrifying.
After a while I grew tired and napped. I was awoken by a loud buzzing. Startled, I attempted to leave the event by following the lines on the floor; however I was not fast or secretive enough because the jailer spotted me and demanded I return to my seat. I quickly decided that my only escape was through an open window behind the seating area. I asked one of the other prisoners to aid me in my escape but he returned my plea with a look of puzzlement. This is a common symptom of brainwashing efforts.
It was at this point that I decided that my escape would come from my own efforts, or not at all. Mustering the strength, I lift my torso through window and feel cool night air on my face and I smile because this feeling so often reminds me of freedom. Then a hand grabbed my ankle and I kick and squirm and come free and fall to the ground below. I then run away very quickly before the jailers come and find me.
The totality of my evening at this event was negative, although I did purchase a wurst from a child in exchange for something called "Tucci Tix" which I have purchased when I enter the event in exchange for American currency. I do not plan on a return visit. God help us.
Next week, Horace pulls a Bill Plimpton and Suits Up For an Afternoon Practice with the Fighting Tuccimen Football Squad!
