Our Town, Our Money
We Just Keep Getting Richer
by Anthony Michael Fall, Our Town Staff
by Anthony Michael Fall, Our Town Staff
Dumont? No. River Mill? Hardly. Clarkestown? (really sarcastic) Yeah...NO! Who's the richest town around? It's us! And not only do we own first place by a full 30%, but guess what? We're only getting richer, people!
From the new marble firehouse to the oak trimming recently installed on our parks' Oak trees, Chesterfield Ridge has become the premiere town in Chester County to live and breed (not to mention get your grind on with the missus!).
Where else can you spot a milkman driving a Lexus? And name for me, if you can, another town where children's nannies have nannies? Yes, my friends, soak it up, we are number one by a long shot and Hot Molly it feels nice. No--it feels nice.
What makes all of this so much sweeter is that while we keep getting richer, every town that borders our brand new titanium wall just keeps getting poorer! It's like having a retarded younger brother whose emotional bucket we keep draining in order to fill up our own already overflowing pewter chalice! Goddamnit, it's enough to make you want to firebomb the neighbor's house and declare yourself a demon lord!
We've got it all and that's a fact, but the question begs to be asked: where do we go from here? Up? Heck, no: we go down. Look, we all know an attack from outside our walls is coming sooner or later, and that it's just a matter of time until the infidels outside our walls figure out a way to get even. So what do we do? Dig in...literally! I'm talking about building an entire subterranean country right outside of the Earth's core. This way we can live in peace without the worry of poor people pooring up our children's minds with their filth and their disease.
"But Michael," you're wondering, "where will we keep our money? Even if we can fit everyone from Chesterfield Ridge in this new country, surely we won't have room for all of our liquid assets." Ah, but that is where you're wrong. We'll keep our money in between Earth's core and its surface (see diagram), eventually developing our own bank system where money gains 100% interest every day. Also, I don't want to spoil the beans, but there's a good chance we'll have flying machines with which to zip around in our underground cave systems.
"Okay," you say, undressing me with your eyes, "let's say we can stuff the empty parts with our money and our stuffs, how can we be sure that the poor people won't follow us into our new country, obtain our trust, and then exact their revenge while we sleep a dark and dreamless sleep?" Ah, you are more clever than I originally gave you credit for, my little pumpkin (and yes, I realize my name sounds like Brat Packer Anthony Michael Hall...very funny wise guy), but the answer is very simple. We build a hatch like the one on Lost, that way people can't get in (provided they can even find the darn thing--it took Locke, like, an entire season just to find the island's hatch, let alone crawl in).
Now that my plan is set forth in these very pages, all we need is financial backing and the support of our next mayor. Once the outcome of the 2007 Mayoral election is announced, we can begin plans post-haste. Until then, remember: we're number one. I'll be seeing you...
***
From the new marble firehouse to the oak trimming recently installed on our parks' Oak trees, Chesterfield Ridge has become the premiere town in Chester County to live and breed (not to mention get your grind on with the missus!).
Where else can you spot a milkman driving a Lexus? And name for me, if you can, another town where children's nannies have nannies? Yes, my friends, soak it up, we are number one by a long shot and Hot Molly it feels nice. No--it feels nice.
What makes all of this so much sweeter is that while we keep getting richer, every town that borders our brand new titanium wall just keeps getting poorer! It's like having a retarded younger brother whose emotional bucket we keep draining in order to fill up our own already overflowing pewter chalice! Goddamnit, it's enough to make you want to firebomb the neighbor's house and declare yourself a demon lord!
We've got it all and that's a fact, but the question begs to be asked: where do we go from here? Up? Heck, no: we go down. Look, we all know an attack from outside our walls is coming sooner or later, and that it's just a matter of time until the infidels outside our walls figure out a way to get even. So what do we do? Dig in...literally! I'm talking about building an entire subterranean country right outside of the Earth's core. This way we can live in peace without the worry of poor people pooring up our children's minds with their filth and their disease.
"But Michael," you're wondering, "where will we keep our money? Even if we can fit everyone from Chesterfield Ridge in this new country, surely we won't have room for all of our liquid assets." Ah, but that is where you're wrong. We'll keep our money in between Earth's core and its surface (see diagram), eventually developing our own bank system where money gains 100% interest every day. Also, I don't want to spoil the beans, but there's a good chance we'll have flying machines with which to zip around in our underground cave systems.
"Okay," you say, undressing me with your eyes, "let's say we can stuff the empty parts with our money and our stuffs, how can we be sure that the poor people won't follow us into our new country, obtain our trust, and then exact their revenge while we sleep a dark and dreamless sleep?" Ah, you are more clever than I originally gave you credit for, my little pumpkin (and yes, I realize my name sounds like Brat Packer Anthony Michael Hall...very funny wise guy), but the answer is very simple. We build a hatch like the one on Lost, that way people can't get in (provided they can even find the darn thing--it took Locke, like, an entire season just to find the island's hatch, let alone crawl in).
Now that my plan is set forth in these very pages, all we need is financial backing and the support of our next mayor. Once the outcome of the 2007 Mayoral election is announced, we can begin plans post-haste. Until then, remember: we're number one. I'll be seeing you...
***