Slew of Mayoral Candidates Announced. A Slew!
Oh snap, y'all, get out your wrestling singlets, because it's on. Since we announced James Walkers' entry into the Mayoral Soc-Hop Thursday evening, seven new opponents have sprung up like the little political Alliaceae they are. Foregoing the mandatory five-hundred signatures in leu of some real catty fisticuffs action, Town Hall has admitted the following men (and woman) into the Mayoral Foot Race of 2007! Keep your eyes on the prize! -The Editor
Who: Gary Smith, 45
Profession: Icy public defender
Platform: "As a servant of this community for over 23 years, I bring to the table a knowledge of this town that is as wide as it is deep. Translation: I know your secrets. I appreciate your vote."
Our Town Says: Sounds great to us! Don't mind the nervous laughter!
***
Who: Stanley Tucci, 46
Profession: Exceptional actor
Platform: "If you've seen my film 'Big Night', you understand my committment to excellence and using an Italian accent. That scene where I'm with that broad? I worked out like crazy for five months before shooting even started. I'd also like to start a chain of 'Big Night' theme restaurants."
Our Town Says: As patron saint of Stanley Tucci High School, he's proven his love for Chesterfield Ridge, but his diminutive stature (only 5'8") may be a little off-putting for some.
***
Who: Horace Kvscheznowski, 71.
Profession: Our Town Techno-Watch Columnist, former Eastern European prisoner
Platform: "I am wishing to create Compute-Tors capable of such things as word processing and something I have invented called a "Powering Point." It will change the way people communicate. Also, I will banish jailers from children's sports. Children should be allowed to play without fear of prison."
Our Town Says: Horace's writing bursts with equal parts wit and wisdom and--wait, he's running for Mayor? Seriously? That is so funny! Like, for real? He's such a cute little old guy!
***
Who: Sherry Lipton, 36.
Profession: Domestic Engineer, Socialite, fundraising chairperson
Platform: "For a long time now, Chesterfield Ridge has been consuming its way towards becoming a bloated shadow of its former self. The town used to hold certain principals self-evident, things like charity, academic excellence, and friendship. Now the town is just one big parade of keeping up with the Joneses. I'd like to reverse this trend and restore the town to what it used to be before the H3s."
Our Town Says: Hm, the words sound reasonable, but it's hard to hear over the sound of her hairdryer! But seriously folks, it all comes down to this: does a woman have what it takes to sit on the marble throne of good old CR and effectively govern? Just ask ten-term Mayor Allenbach if his job is easy! [Mayor Allenbach could not be reached from his vacation home.]
***
Who: No. 6, age unknown
Profession: Resigned agent
Platform: "I am not a number! I am a free man!"
Our Town Says: We want information about this man before we make any decision, but doesn't the whole, "Freedom for everyone" thing sound a little trite by now?
***
Who: Brian Lee, 32
Profession: Civil Engineer
Platform: "As the youngest man to receive his PhD from M.I.T., I have a vision for Chesterfield Ridge as a great center of research. Under my plan, I hope to transform Chesterfield Ridge into the Blonde Trophy Wife of this great, cigar-chomping county."
Our Town Says: After being Asian-entertained by our very own Nancy Pierce, we say YES to Mr. Lee!
***
Who: Jack Habishaw, 42
Profession: Venture capitalist
Platform: "Ever since I read Anthony Michael Fall's column the other day, I just can't help but think the guy's right and that we ought to be pooling our resources in order to create his subterranean country! As such, I am donating ten million dollars of my own money to research this very important cause. I'll see YOU at the Earth's core in 2007! "
Our Town Says: A little...intense.
Oh snap, y'all, get out your wrestling singlets, because it's on. Since we announced James Walkers' entry into the Mayoral Soc-Hop Thursday evening, seven new opponents have sprung up like the little political Alliaceae they are. Foregoing the mandatory five-hundred signatures in leu of some real catty fisticuffs action, Town Hall has admitted the following men (and woman) into the Mayoral Foot Race of 2007! Keep your eyes on the prize! -The Editor
Who: Gary Smith, 45Profession: Icy public defender
Platform: "As a servant of this community for over 23 years, I bring to the table a knowledge of this town that is as wide as it is deep. Translation: I know your secrets. I appreciate your vote."
Our Town Says: Sounds great to us! Don't mind the nervous laughter!
***
Who: Stanley Tucci, 46
Profession: Exceptional actor
Platform: "If you've seen my film 'Big Night', you understand my committment to excellence and using an Italian accent. That scene where I'm with that broad? I worked out like crazy for five months before shooting even started. I'd also like to start a chain of 'Big Night' theme restaurants."
Our Town Says: As patron saint of Stanley Tucci High School, he's proven his love for Chesterfield Ridge, but his diminutive stature (only 5'8") may be a little off-putting for some.
***
Who: Horace Kvscheznowski, 71.Profession: Our Town Techno-Watch Columnist, former Eastern European prisoner
Platform: "I am wishing to create Compute-Tors capable of such things as word processing and something I have invented called a "Powering Point." It will change the way people communicate. Also, I will banish jailers from children's sports. Children should be allowed to play without fear of prison."
Our Town Says: Horace's writing bursts with equal parts wit and wisdom and--wait, he's running for Mayor? Seriously? That is so funny! Like, for real? He's such a cute little old guy!
***
Who: Sherry Lipton, 36.Profession: Domestic Engineer, Socialite, fundraising chairperson
Platform: "For a long time now, Chesterfield Ridge has been consuming its way towards becoming a bloated shadow of its former self. The town used to hold certain principals self-evident, things like charity, academic excellence, and friendship. Now the town is just one big parade of keeping up with the Joneses. I'd like to reverse this trend and restore the town to what it used to be before the H3s."
Our Town Says: Hm, the words sound reasonable, but it's hard to hear over the sound of her hairdryer! But seriously folks, it all comes down to this: does a woman have what it takes to sit on the marble throne of good old CR and effectively govern? Just ask ten-term Mayor Allenbach if his job is easy! [Mayor Allenbach could not be reached from his vacation home.]
***
Who: No. 6, age unknown
Profession: Resigned agent
Platform: "I am not a number! I am a free man!"
Our Town Says: We want information about this man before we make any decision, but doesn't the whole, "Freedom for everyone" thing sound a little trite by now?
***
Who: Brian Lee, 32Profession: Civil Engineer
Platform: "As the youngest man to receive his PhD from M.I.T., I have a vision for Chesterfield Ridge as a great center of research. Under my plan, I hope to transform Chesterfield Ridge into the Blonde Trophy Wife of this great, cigar-chomping county."
Our Town Says: After being Asian-entertained by our very own Nancy Pierce, we say YES to Mr. Lee!
***
Who: Jack Habishaw, 42
Profession: Venture capitalist
Platform: "Ever since I read Anthony Michael Fall's column the other day, I just can't help but think the guy's right and that we ought to be pooling our resources in order to create his subterranean country! As such, I am donating ten million dollars of my own money to research this very important cause. I'll see YOU at the Earth's core in 2007! "
Our Town Says: A little...intense.
